Quotes by Steven Wright

“Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. Their families came and took them away. Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each other. One of them looked at the other and said, so. What did you think?”

“I poured spot remover on my dog. Now hes gone.”

“Oh, well, I guess this is just going to be one of those lifetimes”

“I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.”

“When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for five minutes without moving. He said it was elevator practice.”

“The other day I... uh, no, that wasnt me.”

“I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.”

“It doesnt matter what temperature the room is, its always room temperature.”

“I went to a general store. They wouldnt let me buy anything specifically.”

“If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?”

“Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, Im afraid of widths.”

“I bought an occassional table........sometimes its a microwave oven.”

It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that Id never even thought about killing myself.

Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

If at first you dont succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

If its a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

When everything is coming your way, youre in the wrong lane.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.