Quotes by Steven Wright

How young can you die of old age?

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, Did you sleep good? I said No, I made a few mistakes.

I went to a restaurant that serves breakfast at any time. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

Its very intense to be in front of a live audience. Its just an amazing experience. Its dangerous. Everything out there is heightened. The bad stuff is extra-worse. The silences are extra-silent. The good stuff is amazing. Its electric when you walk out there. For 90 minutes, youre on this other planet.

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. Its in the apartment somewhere.

When I was 16... I worked in a pet store. And they fired me because... they had three snakes in there, and one day I braided them.

I poured spot remover on my dog. Now hes gone.

Ive always had to conquer fear when Im on stage. Basically, I was and still am a very shy person. Its absolutely in conflict with what I do. But once I deliver the first joke Im okay. Its like Im out there all by myself just delivering my lines to nobody in particular without ever trying to notice the audience in front of me.

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing Happy Birthday.

I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks Im an idiot.

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

Whats another word for Thesaurus?

I bought some batteries, but they werent included.

I dont feel that Im explaining the world or teaching people anything. And Im not trying to be a mirror, showing them whats really going on the world. All Im trying to do is think of stuff thats funny, just like when Im kidding around with my friends.

When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never, like, Oh, wow. I could say this some day on stage.

When Im on stage, its really intense. My mind is going a million miles an hour, trying to remember my act, trying to say it all the right way. Its funny how different it looks and how its happening. There are three Fellini circuses in my head, and outwardly it looks like Im going to get a bagel.