Quotes by Steven Wright

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

I went to a restaurant that serves breakfast at any time so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

Id kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Whats another word for thesaurus?

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, Where’s the self-help section? She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, Where the hell is my roof?

Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just dont have film.

I have a hobby. I have the world’s largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you’ve seen some of it.

Im writing an unauthorized autobiography.

You know how it is when youre reading a book and falling asleep, youre reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? Im like that all the time.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

I wish, when I was first born, the first thing I said was Quote so the last thing I said before I died would be Unquote.

Why isn’t the word “phonetically” spelled with an “f”?

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Im writing a book. Ive got the page numbers done.

Eagles may soar, but weasels dont get sucked into jet engines.

A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, Wish you were here.

I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.