Quotes by Steven Wright

I installed a skylight in my apartment...The people who live above me arefurious!

Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasnt going to be on theroad an hour.

I got food poisoning today. I dont know when Ill use it.

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

The sign said eight items or less. So I changed my name to Les.

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier theywouldnt have to go so fast.

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.

Once I tried to kill myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying.

So I figured Id leave the area, because I had no ties there anyway except for this girl I was seeing. We had conflicting attitudes: I really wasnt into meditating and she wasnt really into being alive. I told her I knew when I was going to die because my birth certificate has an expiration date.

I was in the supermarket the other day, and I met a lady in the aisle where they keep the generic brands. Her name was woman.

Sorry... my mind was wandering... one time it went all the way to Venus and ordered a meal I couldn’t pay for.

Im writing a book. Im almost finished. I numbered the pages. Now all I have to do is fill them in.

I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile. I spent last summer folding it. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, E6.

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

I like George Carlins jokes. I like his humor. Hes one of my heroes, and I like what he did with talking about everyday things.

You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? Thats what I do. The branches are like life, and I throw them into my head and some of it comes out as humor.

If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?

When I die, Im leaving my body to science fiction.

I liked school, but I used to dread those moments when the teacher would call me up to give an oral report. I forced myself to deal with it and not dwell on the class in front of me - to keep a straight face, give the report and concentrate on getting it right. Thats normally how I perform. Thats how I am.

Sometimes I wish my first word was quote, so that on my death bed, my last words could be end quote.