Steven Wright Quotes

Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, Do I know you?

Steven Wright

Why are there five syllables in the word “monosyllabic”?

Steven Wright

Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?

Steven Wright

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Steven Wright

I tried to hang myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying.

Steven Wright

If at first you dont succeed then skydiving definitely isnt for you.

Steven Wright

I spilled spot remover on my dog now hes gone.

Steven Wright

When I turned two I was really anxious, because Id doubled my age in a year.I thought, if this keeps up, by the time Im six Ill be ninety.

Steven Wright

If a word in the dictionary were mispelled, how would we know?

Steven Wright

Hermits have no peer pressure.

Steven Wright

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if Im leaving.

Steven Wright

Quotes by Steven Wright

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