Quotes by Steven Wright

I just have a relationship with my imagination. Its like my friend, almost.

I feel very lucky to make a living from my imagination Im very grateful for that. I like that what I do is create. Im feeling very lucky to have had the career I had. Its gone much longer and bigger than I ever thought it would be.

People may think Im trying something new by telling stories, but theyre just jokes connected to give the illusion of stories. But really, I just continue using my imagination and creating. Thats what I do.

I paint; I draw and paint - Ive been doing that since I was in third grade, drawing realistically and then changing to abstract art. That was my first creative thing before guitar or comedy.

I like to talk about lint and coasters, the expansion of the universe and maybe McDonalds. Im completely turned off by the idea of politics.

I dont like politicians, and I dont like politics. I definitely dont want to be associated with any of them.

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, What for? I said, Im going to buy some sugar.

I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.

I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and Im gone.

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like Im the only one moving.

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, Im home now. But leave a message and Ill call when Im out.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.

“If at first you dont succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.”

“It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that Id never even thought about killing myself.”

“I tried to hang myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying.”