Quotes by Erma Bombeck

“When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, I used everything you gave me.”

“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.”

“My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car.”

“When your mother asks, Do you want a piece of advice? it is a mere formality. It doesnt matter if you answer yes or no. Youre going to get it anyway.”

“It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else.”

“I am not a glutton - I am an explorer of food”

“Never accept a drink from a urologist.”

“I havent trusted polls since I read that 62% of women had affairs during their lunch hour. Ive never met a woman in my life who would give up lunch for sex.”

“In two decades Ive lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.”

“Ive exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars.”

“The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.”

“Just think of all those women on the Titanic who said, No, thank you, to dessert that night. And for what!”

“Great dreams... never even get out of the box. It takes an uncommon amount of guts to put your dreams on the line, to hold them up and say, How good or how bad am I? Thats where courage comes in.”

“Dreams have but one owner at a time. That is why dreamers are lonely.”

“There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.”

“Once you get a spice in your home, you have it forever. Women never throw out spices. The Egyptians were buried with their spices. I know which one Im taking with me when I go.”

“I take a very practical view of raising children. I put a sign in each of their rooms: Checkout Time is 18 years.”

“Sometimes I cant figure designers out. Its as if they flunked human anatomy.”

“In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasnt danced on television.”

“Theres something wrong with a mother who washes out a measuring cup with soap and water after shes only measured water in it.”