Quotes by Erma Bombeck

“People shop for a bathing suit with more care than they do a husband or wife. The rules are the same. Look for something youll feel comfortable wearing. Allow for room to grow.”

“The art of never making a mistake is crucial to motherhood. To be effective and to gain the respect she needs to function, a other must have her children believe she has never engaged in sex, never made a bad decision, never caused her own mother a moments anxiety, and was never a child.”

“Im trying very hard to understand this generation. They have adjusted the timetable for childbearing so that menopause and teaching a sixteen-year-old how to drive a car will occur in the same week.”

“The patience of a mother might be likened to a tube of toothpaste - its never quite all gone”

“My mother had a great deal of trouble with me, but I think she enjoyed it.”

“A mothers heart is always with her children.”

“I remember my mothers prayers and they have always followed me. They have clung to me all my life.”

“Who ran to help me when I fell, And would some pretty story tell, Or kiss the place to make it well? My mother”

“Everyone is guilty at one time or another of throwing out questions that beg to be ignored, but mothers seem to have a market on the supply. Do you want a spanking or do you want to go to bed? Dont you want to save some of the pizza for your brother? Wasnt there any change?”

“Dont confuse fame with success. Madonna is one; Helen Keller is the other.”

“It is ludicrous to read the microwave direction on the boxes of food you buy, as each one will have a disclaimer: THIS WILL VARY WITH YOUR MICROWAVE. Loosely translated, this means, Youre on your own, Bernice.”

“There is nothing more miserable in the world than to arrive in paradise and look like your passport photo.”

“Youngsters of the age of two and three are endowed with extraordinary strength. They can lift a dog twice their own weight and dump him into the bathtub.”

“No self-respecting mother would run out of intimidations on the eve of a major holiday.”

“Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.”

“Mothers words of wisdom: Answer me! Dont talk with food in your mouth!”

“I never leaf through a copy of National Geographic without realizing how lucky we are to live in a society where it is traditional to wear clothes.”

“Housework is a treadmill from futility to oblivion with stop-offs at tedium and counter productivity.”

“Nothing makes us so lonely as our secrets.”

“Friends will keep you sane, Love could fill your heart, A lover can warm your bed, But lonely is the soul without a mate.”