Quotes by Erma Bombeck

Sometimes I cant figure designers out. Its as if they flunked human anatomy.

Humor is a spontaneous, wonderful bit of an outburst that just comes. Its unbridled, its unplanned, its full of suprises.

Written on her tombstone: I told you I was sick.

Everyone is guilty at one time or another of throwing out questions that beg to be ignored, but mothers seem to have a market on the supply. Do you want a spanking or do you want to go to bed? Dont you want to save some of the pizza for your brother? Wasnt there any change?

Laughter rises out of tragedy when you need it the most, and rewards you for your courage.

A grandmother pretends she doesnt know who you are on Halloween.

When humor goes, there goes civilization.

Dreams have only one owner at a time. Thats why dreamers are lonely.

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, I used everything you gave me.

It was a bitter moment for us. We werent two mature parents. We were just two kids playing grown-up. We still needed Mommy and Daddys permission, blessings, and money to survive.

A friend doesnt go on a diet because you are fat.

It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else.

My theory on housework is, if the item doesnt multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one else cares. Why should you?

Marriage has no guarantees. If thats what youre looking for, go live with a car battery.

When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says hes doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.

No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed. I have known mothers who remake the bed after their children do it because there is wrinkle in the spread or the blanket is on crooked. This is sick.

All of us have moments in out lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.

I have seen my kid struggle into the kitchen in the morning with outfits that need only one accessory: an empty gin bottle.

Girls mature faster than boys, cost more to raise, and statistics show that the old saw about girls not knowing about money and figures is a myth. Girls start to outspend boys before puberty—and they manage to maintain this lead until death or an ugly credit manager, whichever comes first. Males are born with a closed fist. Girls are born with the left hand cramped in a position the size of an American Express card. Whenever a girl sees a sign reading, “Sale, Going Out of Business, Liquidation,” saliva begins to form in her mouth, the palms of her hands perspire and the pituitary gland says, “Go, Mama.” In the male, it is quite a different story. He has a gland that follows a muscle from the right arm down to the base of his billfold pocket. Its called “cheap.” Girls can slam a door louder, beg longer, turn tears on and off like a faucet, and invented the term, “You dont trust me.” So much for “sugar and spice and everything nice” and “snips and snails and puppydog tails.

Weve got a generation now who were born with semiequality. They dont know how it was before, so they think, this isnt too bad. Were working. We have our attache cases and our three piece suits. I get very disgusted with the younger generation of women. We had a torch to pass, and they are just sitting there. They dont realize it can be taken away. Things are going to have to get worse before they join in fighting the battle.