Quotes by Erma Bombeck

If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.

Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?

Dont worry about who doesnt like you, who has more, or whos doing what.

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.

One never realizes how different a husband and wife can be until they begin to pack for a trip.

In Russia, as I sat there day after day wearing headphones, listening to the interpreter struggle to make our words relevant, I wondered if we could establish meaningful rapport with a nation that had never seen raisins dance in dark glasses on TV...never had a garage sale.

It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows

Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the Titanic who waved off the dessert cart.

The odds of going to the store for a loaf of bread and coming out with only a loaf of bread are three billion to one.

Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence.

I come from a home where gravy is a beverage.

You have to love a nation that celebrates its independence every July 4, not with a parade of guns, tanks, and soldiers who file by the White House in a show of strength and muscle, but with family picnics where kids throw Frisbees, the potato salad gets iffy, and the flies die from happiness. You may think you have overeaten, but it is patriotism.

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left and could say, I used everything you gave me.

Have you any idea how many children it takes to turn off one light in the kitchen Three. It takes one to say What light and two more to say I didnt turn it on.

Grandparenthood is one of lifes rewards for surviving your own children.

There was a time when the one singular thing that held a marriage together was the threat of getting the kids.

Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.

Laugh now, cry later.

We hit the sunny beaches where we occupy ourselves keeping the sun off our skin, the saltwater off our bodies, and the sand out of our belongings.

Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago.