Quotes by Erma Bombeck

“Never worry about the size of your Christmas tree. In the eyes of children, they are all 30 feet tall.”

“Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?”

“When humor goes, there goes civilization.”

“As a graduate of the Zsa Zsa Gabor School of Creative mathematics, I honestly do not know how old I am”

“Skiing: I do not participate in any sport with ambulances at the bottom of the hill”

“I was too old for a paper route, too young for Social Security and too tired for an affair.”

“Like religion, politics, and family planning, cereal is not a topic to be brought up in public. Its too controversial.”

“How come anything you buy will go on sale next week?”

“Whats with you men? Would hair stop growing on your chest if you asked directions somewhere?”

“A child develops individuality long before he discovers taste”

“Humor is a spontaneous, wonderful bit of an outburst that just comes. Its unbridled, its unplanned, its full of surprises.”

“Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago.”

“Who in their infinite wisdom decreed that Little League uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother.”

“There is one thing I have never taught my body how to do and that is to figure out at 6 A.M. what it wants to eat at 6 P.M.”

“I have a theory about the human mind. A brain is a lot like a computer. It will only take so many facts, and then it will go on overload and blow up.”

When God Created MothersWhen the Good Lord was creating mothers, He was into His sixth day of overtime when the angel appeared and said. Youre doing a lot of fiddling around on this one. And God said, Have you read the specs on this order? She has to be completely washable, but not plastic. Have 180 moveable parts...all replaceable. Run on black coffee and leftovers. Have a lap that disappears when she stands up. A kiss that can cure anything from a broken leg to a disappointed love affair. And six pairs of hands. The angel shook her head slowly and said. Six pairs of hands.... no way. Its not the hands that are causing me problems, God remarked, its the three pairs of eyes that mothers have to have. Thats on the standard model? asked the angel. God nodded. One pair that sees through closed doors when she asks, What are you kids doing in there? when she already knows. Another here in the back of her head that sees what she shouldnt but what she has to know, and of course the ones here in front that can look at a child when he goofs up and say. I understand and I love you without so much as uttering a word. God, said the angel touching his sleeve gently, Get some rest tomorrow.... I cant, said God, Im so close to creating something so close to myself. Already I have one who heals herself when she is sick...can feed a family of six on one pound of hamburger...and can get a nine year old to stand under a shower. The angel circled the model of a mother very slowly. Its too soft, she sighed. But tough! said God excitedly. You can imagine what this mother can do or endure. Can it think? Not only can it think, but it can reason and compromise, said the Creator. Finally, the angel bent over and ran her finger across the cheek. Theres a leak, she pronounced. I told You that You were trying to put too much into this model. Its not a leak, said the Lord, Its a tear. Whats it for? Its for joy, sadness, disappointment, pain, loneliness, and pride. You are a genius, said the angel. Somberly, God said, I didnt put it there.

When your mother asks, Do you want a piece of advice? its a mere formality. It doesnt matter if you answer yes or no. Youre going to get it anyway.

There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.

I am not a glutton - I am an explorer of food

Housework can kill you if done right.