Quotes by George Carlin

“Cop didnt see it, I didnt do it!”

Religion has actually convinced people that theres an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do, every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a special list of ten things he does not want you to do. And if you do any of these ten things, he has a special place, full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish, where he will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry forever and ever til the end of time!But He loves you. He loves you, and He needs money! He always needs money! Hes all-powerful, all-perfect, all-knowing, and all-wise, somehow just cant handle money!

Its important in life if you dont give a shit. It can help you a lot.

Once you leave out all the bullshit they teach you in school, life gets really simple.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

Were so self-important. So arrogant. Everybodys going to save something now. Save the trees, save the bees, save the whales, save the snails. And the supreme arrogance? Save the planet! Are these people kidding? Save the planet? We dont even know how to take care of ourselves; we havent learned how to care for one another. Were gonna save the fuckin planet? . . . And, by the way, theres nothing wrong with the planet in the first place. The planet is fine. The people are fucked! Compared with the people, the planet is doin great. Its been here over four billion years . . . The planet isnt goin anywhere, folks. We are! Were goin away. Pack your shit, were goin away. And we wont leave much of a trace. Thank God for that. Nothing left. Maybe a little Styrofoam. The planet will be here, and well be gone. Another failed mutation; another closed-end biological mistake.

Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.

The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.

The planet is fine. The people are fucked.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

Thats why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and dont have time for all that.

Meow” means “woof” in cat.

People say, Im going to sleep now, as if it were nothing. But its really a bizarre activity. For the next several hours, while the sun is gone, Im going to become unconscious, temporarily losing command over everything I know and understand. When the sun returns, I will resume my life.If you didnt know what sleep was, and you had only seen it in a science fiction movie, you would think it was weird and tell all your friends about the movie youd seen.They had these people, you know? And they would walk around all day and be OK? And then, once a day, usually after dark, they would lie down on these special platforms and become unconscious. They would stop functioning almost completely, except deep in their minds they would have adventures and experiences that were completely impossible in real life. As they lay there, completely vulnerable to their enemies, their only movements were to occasionally shift from one position to another; or, if one of the mind adventures got too real, they would sit up and scream and be glad they werent unconscious anymore. Then they would drink a lot of coffee.So, next time you see someone sleeping, make believe youre in a science fiction movie. And whisper, The creature is regenerating itself.

I do this real moron thing, and its called thinking. And apparently Im not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

I often warn people: Somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you, There is no I in team. What you should tell them is, Maybe not. But there is an I in independence, individuality and integrity.

If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.