Quotes by George Carlin

“If its true that our species is alone in the universe, then Id have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little”

“I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me . . theyre cramming for their final exam.”

“I have no emotional stake in Panda fucking.”

“New York Taxi Rules:1. Driver speaks no English.2. Driver just got here two days ago from someplace like Segal.3. Driver hates you.”

“Im also tired of hearing about innocent victims; this is an outmoded idea. There are no innocent victims. If youre born on this world youre guilt, period, f*ck you, end of report, next case. Your birth certificate is proof of guilt.”

“How many of you have ever started dating because you were too lazy to commit suicide?”

“I have as much authority as the Pope, I just dont have as many people who believe it.”

“You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans”

“Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist”

“Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established.”

“A lot of times when a package says Open Other End, I purposely open the end where it says that”

“May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.”

“I am is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that I do is the longest sentence?”

“Im not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a part of hell will break loose - itll be much harder to detect”

“Not only do I not know whats going on, I wouldnt know what to do about it if I did”

“What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?”

“When someone is impatient and says, I havent got all day, I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?”

“When youre born you get a ticket to the freak show. When youre born in America, you get a front row seat.”

“Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac”

“I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, Wheres the self-help section? She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose”