Quotes by George Carlin

They’re not pro-life. You know what they are? They’re anti-woman. Simple as it gets, anti-woman. They don’t like them. They don’t like women. They believe a woman’s primary role is to function as a brood mare for the state.

Bullshit is the glue that binds us as a nation.

The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.

[On school uniforms] Dont these schools do enough damage making all these kids think alike, now they have to make them look alike too? Its not a new idea, either. I first saw it in old newsreels from the 1930s, but it was hard to understand because the narration was in German.

Heres an interesting form of murder we came up with: assassination. You know whats interesting about assassination? Well, not only does it change those popularity polls in a big fucking hurry, but its also interesting to notice who it is we assassinate. Did you ever notice who it is? Stop to think who it is we kill? Its always people whove told us to live together in harmony and try to love one another. Jesus, Gandhi, Lincoln, John Kennedy, Bobby Kennedy, Martin Luther King, Medgar Evers, Malcolm X, John Lennon, they all said, Try to live together peacefully. BAM! Right in the fucking head. Apparently were not ready for that.

I like it when a flower or a little tuft of grass grows through a crack in the concrete. Its so fuckin heroic.

There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.

I am is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that I do is the longest sentence?

Dont give your money to the church. They should be giving their money to you.

Life is tough, then you die.

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

It was my uncle who taught me about the birds and the bees. He sat me down one day and said, Remember this, George, the birds fuck the bees. Then he told me he once banged a girl so hard her freckles came off.

A good motto to live by: Always try not to get killed.

Words are all we have, really. We have thoughts but thoughts are fluid. Then we assign a word to a thought and were stuck with that word for that thought, so be careful with words. I like to think that the same words that hurt can heal. It’s a matter of how you pick them.

I love words. I thank you for hearing my words. I want to tell you something about words that I think is important. Words are my work, they’re my play. They’re my passion. Words are all we have really. We have thoughts, but thoughts are fluid. And, then we assign a word to a thought and we’re stuck with that word for that thought. So be careful with words. The same words that hurt can heal.

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?

Every day I beat my own previous record for the number of consecutive days Ive stayed alive.

But when youre in front of an audience and you make them laugh at a new idea, youre guiding the whole being for the moment. No one is ever more him/herself than when they really laugh. Their defenses are down. Its very Zen-like, that moment. They are completely open, completely themselves when that message hits the brain and the laugh begins. Thats when new ideas can be implanted. If a new idea slips in at that moment, it has a chance to grow.

Yever notice how you never seem to get laid on Thanksgiving? I think its because all the coats are on the bed.

Weather forecast for tonight: dark.