Quotes by George Carlin

Religion is just mind control.

Dont sweat the petty things and dont pet the sweaty things.

What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?

Electricity is really just organized lightning.

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.

If its true that our species is alone in the universe, then Id have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.

Theres no present. Theres only the immediate future and the recent past.

“The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”

“Heres all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.”

“I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me—they’re cramming for their final exam.”

“It turned out I was pretty good in science. But again, because of the small budget, in science class we couldnt afford to do experiments in order to prove theories. We just believed everything. Actually, I think that class was called Religion. Religion class was always an easy class. All you had to do was suspend the logic and reasoning you were being taught in all the other classes.”

“So, have a little fun. Soon enough youll be dead and burning in Hell with the rest of your family.”

“If no one knows when a person is going to die, how can we say he died prematurely?”