Quotes by George Carlin

I dont know how you feel, but Im pretty sick of church people. You know what they ought to do with churches? Tax them. If holy people are so interested in politics, government, and public policy, let them pay the price of admission like everybody else. The Catholic Church alone could wipe out the national debt if all you did was tax their real estate.

I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it.

I noticed that all the prayers I used to offer to God, and all the prayers I now offer to Joe Pesci, are being answered at about the same fifty percent rate. Half the time I get what I want, half the time I dont...Same as the four-leaf clover and the horseshoe...same as the voodoo lady who tells you your fortune by squeezing the goats testicles. Its all the same...so just pick your superstition, sit back, make a wish, and enjoy yourself...

This is a lttle prayer dedicated to the separation of church and state. I guess if they are going to force those kids to pray in schools they might as well have a nice prayer like this: Our Father who art in heaven, and to the republic for which it stands, thy kingdom come, one nation indivisible as in heaven, give us this day as we forgive those who so proudly we hail. Crown thy good into temptation but deliver us from the twilights last gleaming. Amen and Awomen.

You know who I pray to? Joe Pesci. Two reasons: First of all, I think hes a good actor, okay? To me, that counts. Second, he looks like a guy who can get things done. Joe Pesci doesnt fuck around. In fact, Joe Pesci came through on a couple of things that God was having trouble with.

To my way of thinking, there is every bit as much evidence for theexistence of UFOs as there is for the existence of God. Probably farmore. At least in the case of UFOs there have been countless tapedand filmed and, by the way, unexplained sightings from all over theworld, along with documented radar evidence seen by experiencedmilitary and civilian radar operators.>>

Im not a person who thinks they can have it all, but I certainly feel that with a bit of effort and guile I should be able to have more than my fair share.

As it stands right now, I lead Richard Pryor in heart attacks, two to one. However, Richard still leads me, one to nothing, in burning yourself up.

Personally, if I were trying to discourage people from smoking, my sign would be a little different. In fact, I might even go too far in the opposite direction. My sign would say something like, Smoke if you wish. But if you do, be prepared for the following series of events: First, we will confiscate your cigarette and extinguish it somewhere on the surface of your skin. We will then run you nicotine-stained fingers through a paper shredder and throw them into the street, where wild dogs will swallow them and then regurgitate them into the sewers, so that infected rats can further soil them before theyre flushed out to sea with the rest of the citys filth. After such time, we will sysematically seek out your friends and loved one and destroy their lives.Wouldnt you like to see a sign like that?

Sore loser? You bet your fuckin ass! What on earth is wrong with being a sore loser? It shows you cared about whatever the contest was in the first place. Fuck losing graciously-thats for chumps. And losers, by the way.

And off we go, out onto the highway looking for a little fun. Perhaps a flatbed truck loaded with human cadavers will explode in front of a Star Trek reunion. One can only dream and hope.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, Wheres the self-help section? She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

Avoid teams at all cost. Keep your circle small. Never join a group that has a name.

When I ask how old your toddler is, I dont need to hear 27 months. Hes two will do just fine. Hes not a cheese. And I didnt really care in the first place.

In some company it’s perfectly all right to prick your finger, but very bad form to finger your prick.

Now, theres one thing you might have noticed I dont complain about: politicians. Everybody complains about politicians. Everybody says they suck. Well, where do people think these politicians come from? They dont fall out of the sky. They dont pass through a membrane from another reality. They come from American parents and American families, American homes, American schools, American churches, American businesses and American universities, and they are elected by American citizens. This is the best we can do folks. This is what we have to offer. Its what our system produces: Garbage in, garbage out. If you have selfish, ignorant citizens, youre going to get selfish, ignorant leaders. Term limits aint going to do any good; youre just going to end up with a brand new bunch of selfish, ignorant Americans. So, maybe, maybe, maybe, its not the politicians who suck. Maybe something else sucks around here... like, the public. Yeah, the public sucks. Theres a nice campaign slogan for somebody: The Public Sucks. F*ck Hope.

Have you ever wondered why Republicans are so interested in encouraging people to volunteer in their communities? It’s because volunteers work for no pay. Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time.

Forget the politicians. The politicians are put there to give you the idea you have freedom of choice. You dont. You have no choice. You have owners. They own you. They own everything. They own all the important land, they own and control the corporations thatve long since bought and paid for, the senate, the congress, the state houses, the city halls, they got the judges in their back pocket, and they own all the big media companies so they control just about all of the news and the information you get to hear. They got you by the balls. They spend billions of dollars every year lobbying to get what they want. Well, we know what they want. They want more for themselves and less for everybody else. But Ill tell you what they dont want. They dont want a population of citizens capable of critical thinking. They dont want well informed, well educated people capable of critical thinking. Theyre not interested in that. That doesnt help them.

A flag is supposed to represent everything that a country does. It doesnt only represent the good things. If you burn the flag, youre burning the flag for what you perceive to be the bad things the country has done. its only a symbol. Its only a piece of cloth.

Capitalism tries for a delicate balance: It attempts to work things out so that everyone gets just enough stuff to keep them from getting violent and trying to take other people’s stuff.