Quotes by George Carlin

Nothing worse... nothing worse that to be stuck somewhere with some married a-hole and have to listen to him tell you about his f***in kids... Let me tell ya something, folks... nobody cares about your children, okay? Nobody cares about your children. I speak for everyone. Ive been appointed by the rest of the group to inform you we dont care about your children – thats why theyre your children, so you can care about them and we dont have to bother.

Boy, these conservatives are really something, arent they? Theyre all in favor of the unborn. They will do anything for the unborn. But once youre born, youre on your own. Pro-life conservatives are obsessed with the fetus from conception to nine months. After that, they dont want to know about you. They dont want to hear from you. No nothing. No neonatal care, no day care, no head start, no school lunch, no food stamps, no welfare, no nothing. If youre preborn, youre fine; if youre preschool, youre fucked.

The larger the group, the more toxic, the more of your beauty as an individual you have to surrender for the sake of group thought. And when you suspend your individual beauty you also give up a lot of your humanity. You will do things in the name of a group that you would never do on your own. Injuring, hurting, killing, drinking are all part of it, because youve lost your identity, because you now owe your allegiance to this thing thats bigger than you are and that controls you.

Fuck the drug war. Dropping acid was a profound turning point for me, a seminal experience. I make no apologies for it. More people should do acid. It should be sold over the counter.

Oh Beautiful for smoggy skies, insecticided grain,For strip-mined mountains majesty above the asphalt plain.America, America, man sheds his waste on thee,And hides the pines with billboard signs, from sea to oily sea.

Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?

I read that Monica Seles got stabbed. And although I have nothing against Monica Seles, Im glad somebody in sports got stabbed. I like the idea of it; its good entertainment. If were lucky, itll spread through sports. And show business, too! Wouldnt you like to see a guy jump up on stage and stab some famous singer? Especially a real shitty pop singer? Maybe theyll even start stabbing comedians. Fuck it, Im ready! I never perform without my can of mace. I have a switchblade knife, too. Ill cut your eye out and go right on telling jokes.

Sports fans eat shit.

Conservatives say if you dont give the rich more money, they will lose their incentive to invest. As for the poor, they tell us theyve lost all incentive because weve given them too much money.

Im always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize Im listening to it.

People are wonderful one at a time. Each one of them has an entire hologram of the universe somewhere within them.

You can take and nail two sticks together like theyve never been nailed together before and some fool will buy it.

TOMORROW IS ANOTHER DAY. Not true. Today is another day. We have no idea what tomorrow is going to be. It might turn out to be another day, but we cant be sure. If it happens, Ill be the first to say so. But, you know what? By that time, itll be today again

Some people see the cup as half empty. Some people see the cup as half full. I see the cup as too large.

By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.

Im completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.

Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.