Quotes by Ellen DeGeneres

“And we certainly dont have full conversations on cellphones. You know? Usually the reception is so bad, but its only bad on your side. The person talking to you has no clue...Theyre just rambling on and on. Youve got your finger jammed in your ear, youre shushing people on the streets. Youre ducked behind a dumpster so you can hear about your friends new hair cut. What about the bangs are they shorter?!?...Are the bangs shorter?!?...THE BAAANGS!!!”

“[My cat, Ethel, is an indoor cat] but somehow shes sneakin out at night. Cause the other morning I found a stamp on her paw... I wouldnt have noticed myself, but I just bought this new black light and she passed right under it and I said, Hey, whats that on you paw?”

“Grace- If youre looking for your Aunt Karen, shes not here. She doesnt work on days that end with...day. ”

“Jack-This makes me feel like a man. Will-Yeah. Jack- No, seriously, Im going to need a man after were done.”

“JLo-so karen hows married life?Karen-well it only lasted 20 minutesJLo-Oh is that short?”

“Grace-Kabbalah has taught me that there is no room in your life for negativity, and i believe himWill-kabbalah is not a person!Grace-the how did he write a book?Karen-didnt anyone ever tell you that stealing is a sin? Its a little thing i learned in a town called kabbalahWill-its not a town!Karen-Then how did it write a book?Will-i cant imagine anyone having less understanding of a religon.”

“Grace- [on the phone] Yes. This is Grace Adler of Grace Adler Designs. I was in there yesterday. I told you I would be back today. And now youre telling me youre all out? Do you know how much business Ive given you over the years? How much money Ive spent? You idiots never make enough chili. [Slams down the phone]”

“Karen-she was all over you, your JLos JMo”

“Jack- My ride is here. It looks like a huff. I think Ill leave in it.”

“I was in yoga the other day. I was in full lotus position. My chakras were all aligned. My mind is cleared of all clatter and Im looking out of my third eye and everything that Im supposed to be doing. Its amazing what comes up, when you sit in that silence. Mama keeps whites bright like the sunlight, Mamas got the magic of Clorox 2.”

“Im feeling so good. I feel like a million bucks. Im focused, Im alert, Im zippy and top of my game.. Ive never felt better! Im sharp as a tack right now. And whats weird is that I didnt get a good nights sleep last night. And they say thats the most important thing..Or is it breakfast they said?..Thats the most important meal of the day, breakfast...yes. And then its i before e I know that..Um.. diamonds are a girls best friend. Dog is a mans best friend.. What was I talking about?..Oh thats right, that I feel great and Im at the top of my game. And its odd because I didnt get hardly any sleep last night. And, they say thats the most important thing. ”

“People always ask me, Were you funny as a child? Well, no, I was an accountant.”

“I was coming home from kindergarten - well they told me it was kindergarten. I found out later I had been working in a factory for ten years. Its good for a kid to know how to make gloves.”

“[Golden eagles have an interesting way of mating, where they connect in the air while flying at eighty miles an hour] and then they start dropping and they dont stop dropping until the act is completed. So its not uncommon that they both fall all the way to the ground, hit the ground and both of them die. Thats how committed they are to this. I thought to myself, Boy, dont we feel like wimps for stopping to answer the phone. I dont know about you, but if Im one of these two birds, youre getting close to the ground... I would serioulsy consider fakin it.”

“The sixties were when hallucinogenic drugs were really, really big. And I dont think its a coincidence that we had the type of shows we had then, like The Flying Nun.”

“Hello?..Oh, hi Tom. Ooh, Ive been dying to see that movie...Mmm no, I just opened up some yogurt. I am in for the night....Not even later, its the kind with the fruit on the bottom. Thanks anyway. Have fun. Oh...Sorry Im late...Traffic. Hm. Really? How you think I got here? Hellacoptered in?”

“I think they should have a Barbie with a buzz cut.”

“Then you have these people in the movie theaters that talk the whole time during the movie. You ever go with somebody like that to a movie but you dont realize until you get there that youre with somebody like that? Brand new movie. First day its open. Youre there together and the entire time theyre sitting there: Wheres she going?....Whyd he do that?....Is he mad at her? I dont know, lets watch and find out together shall we? You know who you are...Youre denying it right now: I do not do that...Why is she saying that?....Whats she gonna say next?”

“I feel sorry for the newscasters you know? We can turn it off. But thats their job and they have to read these stories and theyre just coming up on the teleprompter they dont know whats coming up. and they have to go through these change of emotions. That.. There were no survivors...And next Which candybar helps ya lose weight! Still to come! Is an asteroid headed towards earth...But first where to find the cheesiest pizza in town! Also, a disturbing study finds that studies are disturbing... ”

“Oh she tripped?....Nooo, shes running. I thought she tripped but shes running. She stopped running, she did trip. You tripped!!!”