Quotes by Ellen DeGeneres

Why is it that when you wipe up dust its called dusting but when you wipe up a spill its not called spilling? Just something to think about.

If your Birthday is on Christmas day and youre not Jesus, you should start telling people your birthday is on June 9 or something. Just read up on the traits of a Gemini. Suddenly youre a multitasker who loves the color yellow. Because not only do you get stuck with them combo gift, you get the combo song. We wish you a merry Christmas - and happy birthday, Terry - we wish you a merry Christmas - happy birthday, Terry - we wish you a merry Christmas and a happy New Ye - Birthday, Terry!

Its funny how cucumber water can taste so much better than pickle juice, even though they come from the same source.

I personally like being unique. I like being my own person with my own style and my own opinions and my own toothbrush.

I guess what Im trying to say is, there are a lot of self righteous people out there. And if you try to adjust your life to please them - by the way you dress, your sexuality, or the ass faces you like to make - you are just going to go crazy and risk being as unhappy as these self righteous kooks are. So enjoy your life. God gave us our bodies as a gift.(Granted, to some of us its kind of a gag gift, but thats okay too.) Wear what you want, love who you want, and have fun.

...if you want to add a little spice to your life, plant some dill. And learn to salsa.

The only thing that scares me more than space aliens is the idea that there arent any space aliens. We cant be the best that creation has to offer. I pray were not all there is. If so, were in big trouble.

Its a little weird that Im getting an award for being nice and generous and kind... which is what were all supposed to do for one another. Thats the point of being human. I think that kindness is an innate quality that we all have. We need to see more of it in the world. I want everyone to know that we all really, really love one another. Deep down, we all love one another. We need to get back to that. My wish is that we all try.

Dont hold onto things, it will only bring you pain.

Have you ever heard somebody sing some lyrics that youve never sung before, and you realize youve never sung the right words in that song? You hear them and all of a sudden you say to yourself, Life in the Fast Lane? Thats what theyre saying right there? You think, why have I been singing wipe in the vaseline? how many people have heard me sing wipe in the vaseline? I am an idiot.

Start thinking positively. You will notice a difference. Instead of I think Im a loser, try I definitely am a loser. Stop being wishy-washy about things! How much more of a loser can you be if you dont even know you are one? Either you are a loser or you are not. Which is it, stupid?

We need more kindness, more compassion, more joy, more laughter.

Some people believe that to find happiness, you should live each day of your life as if its your last because that way you will appreciate every single moment you have. Other people believe that you should live each day as if its your first because then every day can be the beginning of a new journey.

It must be around forty, when youre over the hill. I dont even know what that means and why its a bad thing. When I go hiking and I get over the hill, that means Im past the hard part and theres a snack in my future. Thats a good thing as far as Im concerned.

Be kind to one another. Bye, bye.

When I look back on the stuff I used to wear, I wonder why somebody didnt try to stop me. Just a friendly warning, You may regret this, would have been fine.

When you take risks you learn that there will be times when you succeed and there will be times when you fail, and both are equally important. Its hard to understand failure when youre going through it, but in the grand scheme of things its good to fall down—not because youre drunk and not near stairs.

There are all sorts of books offering advice on how to deal with life-threatening situations, but wheres the advice on dealing with embarrassing ones?

It makes a big difference in your life when you stay positive.

If you want to test cosmetics, why do it on some poor animal who hasnt done anything? They should use prisoners who have been convicted of murder or rape instead. So, rather than seeing if perfume irritates a bunny rabbits eyes, they should throw it in Charles Mansons eyes and ask him if it hurts.