Quotes by Ellen DeGeneres

Procrastinate now, dont put it off.

Im a godmother, thats a great thing to be, a godmother. She calls me god for short, thats cute, I taught her that.

Procrastination is not the problem. It is the solution. It is the universes way of saying stop, slow down, you move too fast. Listen to the music. Whoa whoa, listen to the music. Because music makes the people come together, it makes the bourgeois and the rebel. So come on people now, smile on your brother, everybody try to love one another. Because what the world needs now is love, sweet love. And I know that love is a battlefield, but boogie on reggae woman because youre gonna make it after all. So celebrate good times, come on. Ive gotta stop Ive gotta come to my senses, Ive been out riding fences for so long... oops I did it again... um... What Im trying to say is, if you leave tonight and you dont remember anything else that Ive said, leave here and remember this: Procrastinate now, dont put it off.

Stuffed deer heads on walls are bad enough, but it’s worse when you see them wearing dark glasses, having streamers around their necks and a hat on their antlers. Because then you know they were enjoying themselves at a party when they were shot.

What’s not so great is that all this technology is destroying our social skills. Not only have we given up on writing letters to each other, we barely even talk to each other. People have become so accustomed to texting that they’re actually startled when the phone rings. It’s like we suddenly all have Batphones. If it rings, there must be danger. Now we answer, “What happened? Is someone tied up in the old sawmill?”“No, it’s Becky. I just called to say hi.”“Well you scared me half to death. You can’t just pick up the phone and try to talk to me like that. Don’t the tips of your fingers work?

Take a nap in a fireplace and youll sleep like a log.

One time I actually cleaned out my closet so good I ended up on the cover of Time magazine.

Now,Im no scientist,but I know what endorphins are. Theyre tiny little magical elves that swim through your blood stream and tell funny jokes to each other. When they reach your brain,you hear what theyre saying and that boosts your health and happiness. Knock Knock... Whos There?.. Little endorphin... Little endorphin who?... Little Endorphin Annie. And then the endorphins laugh and then you laugh. See? Its Science.

Leaning forward in your chair when someone is trying to squeeze behind you isnt enough. You also have to move the chair.

True beauty is not related to what color your hair is or what color your eyes are. True beauty is about who you are as a human being, your principles, your moral compass.

I enjoy growing older and wiser and learning from my mistakes every single day.

The thing everyone should realize is that the key to happiness is being happy for yourself and yourself.

Life is about balance. The good and the bad. The highs and the lows. The thing everyone should realize is that the key to happiness is being happy by yourself and for yourself. Happiness comes from within. You have the power to change your own mindset so that all the negative, horrible thoughts that try to invade your psyche are replaced with happy, positive, wonderful thoughts.

I hope I make people feel better. I hope I take people out of their situations a little bit and make them happier. Thats really why I do what I do.

You know, its hard work to write a book. I cant tell you how many times I really get going on an idea, then my quill breaks. Or I spill ink all over my writing tunic.

Its failure that gives you the proper perspective on success.

Accept who you are. Unless youre a serial killer.

Do things that make you happy within the confines of the legal system.

I wonder what will happen if i put a hand cream on my feet, will they get confused and start clapping?

Answers to Frequently Asked Questions:Yes.Yes.No.One time in high school.Three times in my twenties.Rocks no salt.Yes.Four.Never. And how dare you!I will take no further questions.