Quotes by Tina Fey

By the way, when Oprah Winfrey is suggesting you may have overextended yourself, you need to examine your fucking life.

Dont waste your energy trying to change opinions ... Do your thing, and dont care if they like it.

Do your thing and dont care if they like it.

Some people say, “Never let them see you cry.” I say, if you’re so mad you could just cry, then cry. It terrifies everyone.

I was a little excited but mostly blorft. Blorft is an adjective I just made up that means Completely overwhelmed but proceeding as if everything is fine and reacting to the stress with the torpor of a possum. I have been blorft every day for the past seven years.

I feel about Photoshop the way some people feel about abortion. It is appalling and a tragic reflection on the moral decay of our society…unless I need it, in which case, everybody be cool.

Whitney Houston’s cover of “I Will Always Love You” was constantly on my FM Walkman radio around that time. I think that made me cry because I associated it with absolutely no one.

Most photographers have some kind of verbal patter going on when they shoot: Great. Turn to me. Big smile. Less shark eyes. Have fun with it. Not like that. Some photographers are compulsively effusive. Beautiful. Amazing. Gorgeous! Ugh, so gorgeous! they yell at shutter speed. If you are anything less than insane, you will realize this is not sincere. Its hard to take because its more positive feedback than youve received in your entire life thrown at you in fifteen seconds. It would be like going jogging while someone rode next to you in a slow-moving car, yelling, Yes! You are Carl Lewis! Youre breaking a world record right now. Amazing! You are fast. Youre going very fast, yes!

Politics and prostitution have to be the only jobs where inexperience is considered a virtue. In what other profession would you brag about not knowing stuff? “I’m not one of those fancy Harvard heart surgeons. I’m just an unlicensed plumber with a dream and I’d like to cut your chest open.” The crowd cheers.

My parents raised me that you never ask people about their reproductive plans. “You don’t know their situation,” my mom would say. I considered it such an impolite question that for years I didn’t even ask myself. Thirty-five turned into forty faster than McDonald’s food turns into cold nonfood.

And, you know, politics aside, the success of Sarah Palin and women like her is good for all women - except, of course —those who will end up, you know, like, paying for their own rape ‘kit ‘n’ stuff, But for everybody else, it’s a win-win. Unless you’re a gay woman who wants to marry your partner of 20 years - whatever. But for most women, the success of conservative women is good for all of us. Unless you believe in evolution. You know - actually, I take it back. The whole thing’s a disaster.

[T]he definition of crazy in show business is a woman who keeps talking even after no one wants to fuck her anymore.

...Whenever someone says to me, Jerry Lewis says women arent funny, or Christopher Hitchens says women arent funny, or Rick Fenderman says women arent funny... Do you have anything to say to that?Yes. We dont fucking care if you like it.I dont say it out loud, of course, because Jerry Lewis is a great philanthropist, Hitchens is very sick, and the third guy I made up.

Don’t waste your energy trying to educate or change opinions; go over, under, through, and opinions will change organically when you’re the boss. Or they won’t. Who cares? Do your thing, and don’t care if they like it.

Ever since I became an executive producer of 30 Rock, people have asked me, Is it hard for you, being the boss? And, Is it uncomfortable for you to be the person in charge? You know, in that same way they say, Gosh, Mr. Trump, is it awkward for you to be the boss of all these people?

In most cases being a good boss means hiring talented people and then getting out of their way.

Dont hire anyone you wouldnt want to run into in the hallway at three in the morning.

My dad looks like Clint Eastwood. His half-Scottish, half-German face in repose is handsome but terrifying. I searched the audience for him during the sixth-grade chorus concert and, seeing his stern expression, was convinced that he had seen me messing up the words to the Happy Days theme and that I was in big trouble. I spent the rest of the concert suppressing terror bumps, only to be given a big hug and a kiss afterward. It took me years to realize, Oh, thats just his face.

When did you first feel like a grown woman and not a girl?” We wrote down our answers and shared them, first in pairs, then in larger groups. The group of women was racially and economically diverse, but the answers had a very similar theme. Almost everyone first realized they were becoming a grown woman when some dude did something nasty to them. “I was walking home from ballet and a guy in a car yelled, ‘Lick me!’” “I was babysitting my younger cousins when a guy drove by and yelled, ‘Nice ass.’” There were pretty much zero examples like “I first knew I was a woman when my mother and father took me out to dinner to celebrate my success on the debate team.” It was mostly men yelling shit from cars. Are they a patrol sent out to let girls know they’ve crossed into puberty? If so, it’s working.

Anytime theres a bad female stand-up somewhere, some dickhead Interblogger will deduce that “women arent funny.” Using that same math, I can state: Male comedy writers piss in cups.