Quotes by Tina Fey

So, to sum up my room-clearing generalizations, men are in comedy to break rules.

The first rule of improvisation is AGREE. Always agree and SAY YES. When youre improvising, this means you are required to agree with whatever your partner has created. So if were improvising and I say, Freeze, I have a gun, and you say, Thats not a gun. Its your finger. Youre pointing your finger at me, our improvised scene has ground to a halt. But if I say, Freeze, I have a gun! and you say, The gun I gave you for Christmas! You bastard! then we have started a scene because we have AGREED that my finger is in fact a Christmas gun.

The second rule of improvisation is not only to say yes, but YES, AND. You are supposed to agree and then _add something of your own._ If I start a scene with I cant believe its so hot in here, and you just say, Yeah... were kind of at a stand-still. But if I say, I cant believe its so hot in here, and you say, What did you expect? Were in hell. Or if I say, I cant believe its so hot in here, and you say, Yes, this cant be good for the wax figures. Or if I say, I cant believe its so hot in here, and you say, I told you we shouldnt have crawled into this dogs mouth, now were getting somewhere.

That nights show was watched by ten million people, so I guess that director at The Second City who said the audience didnt want to see a sketch with two women can go shit in his hat.

And when she [her daughter] one day turns on me and calls me a Bitch in front of Hollister, Give me the strength, Lord, to yank her directly into a cab in front of her friends,For I will not have that Shit. I will not have it.

This is one of the weird things about motherhood. You can predict that some of your best moments will happen around the toilet at six am while youre holding a pile of fingernail clipping like a Santeria priestess.

You could put a blond wig on a hot-water heater and some dude would try to fuck it.

Photoshop is just like makeup. When it’s done well it looks great, and when it’s overdone you look like a crazy asshole.

(My proudest moment as a child was the time I beat my uncle Pierre at Scrabble with the seven-letter word FARTING.)

5) The Eyes Are the Windows to Where the Soul Is Supposed to Be

Youve gotta stop calling each sl*ts and wh*r*s. That just makes it more okay for GUYS to call you sl*ts and wh*r*s.

Its a great lesson about not being too precious about your writing. You have to try your hardest to be at the top of your game and improve every joke you can until the last possible second, and then you have to let it go. You cant be that kid standing at the top of the waterslide, overthinking it...You have to let people see what you wrote.

It is a testament to my parents that they never reacted negatively to the four-year-long pride parade that marched through their house.

One family, two impressively gay brothers.

Because, like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz, I was embraced by the gays. They loved me and praised me. I was funny and so mean and mature for my age!

I find, the fancier the fashion magazine is, the worse the Photoshop. It’s as if they are already so disgusted that a human has to be in the clothes, they can’t stop erasing human features.

A wise friend once told me, Dont wear what fashion designers tell you to wear. Wear what _they_ wear. His point being that most designers, no matter what they throw onto the runway, favor simple, flattering pieces for themselves.

(Don Fey had a large rubber stamp that said bullshit, which was and is awesome.)

Your father doesnt fucking play games. you would never come home with a shamrock tattoo in that house.

Lorne knows that the most exhausting people occasionally turn out the best stuff.