Quotes by Tina Fey

There is no one of-woman-born who does not like Red Lobster cheddar biscuits. Anyone who claims otherwise is a liar and a Socialist.

Almost everyone first realized they were becoming a grown woman when some dude did something nasty to them. ...It was mostly men yelling shit from cars. Are they a patrol sent out to let girls know theyve crossed into puberty? If so, its working.

There are different types of fancy photographers. Some are big, fun personalities like Mario Testino, who once told me, “Lift your chin, darling, you are not eighteen.” I enjoyed his honesty. Also, I’m pretty sure he says that to models who are nineteen.

Theres a Drunk Midget in My HouseAh, babies! Theyre more than just adorable little creatures on whom you can blame your farts. Like most people who have had one baby, I am an expert on everythiing and will tell you, unsolicited, how to raise your kid!

I have a strong urge to lie down and pretend this is not happening—like the old couple in Titanic.

Its one thing to be a wisecracking precocious teen hanging out with twenty-seven year olds.Its another thing to get in the way of a grown man trying to get laid.

As an improviser, I always find it jarring when I meet someone in real life whose first answer is no. “No, we can’t do that.” “No, that’s not in the budget.” “No, I will not hold your hand for a dollar.” What kind of way is that to live?

It was a major and deeply embarrassing teenage revelation. It must be how straight teenage boys feel when they realize those boobs they like have heads attached to them.

I would not trade any of these features for anybody else’s. I wouldn’t trade the small thin-lipped mouth that makes me resemble my nephew. I wouldn’t even trade the acne scar on my right cheek, because that recurring zit spent more time with me in college than any boy ever did.

I have a suspicion - and hear me out, cause this is a rough one - I have a suspicion that the definition of crazy in show business is a woman who keeps talking even after no one wants to fuck her anymore. The only person I can think of that has escaped the crazy moniker is Betty White, which, obviously, is because people still want to have sex with her.

If you want to be a screenwriter, take an acting class to get a sense of what youre asking actors to do. Learning other skills will help you communicate with people and respect what they do.

I work, and then whenever I have any other time, Im with my daughter, and then I go to sleep. I think you basically have to abandon the dreams of having any other adult activities in your life. You have to go to sleep whenever your child goes to sleep. Thats basically how were doing it.

I think you basically have to abandon the dreams of having any other adult activities in your life. You have to go to sleep whenever your child goes to sleep.

When humor works, it works because its clarifying what people already feel. It has to come from someplace real.

The only way I could get comfortable around people was to make them laugh. I was an obedient girl, and humor was my one form of rebellion. I used comedy to deflect. Like, Hey, check out my zit! - you know, making fun of yourself before someone else has a chance to.

For my first show at SNL, I wrote a Bill Clinton sketch, and during our read-through, it wasnt getting any laughs. This weight of embarrassment came over me, and I felt like I was sweating from my spine out. But I realized, Okay, that happened, and I did not die. Youve got to experience failure to understand that you can survive it.

I think part of picking where you live in New York is accepting who you are. Really looking at yourself and going, Yeah, Im not cool enough for the West Village.

Most of the time youre too busy to think about it. But every now and then you say, I work at Saturday Night Live, and that is so cool.

When I was really young, I loved the movie White Christmas - I still do - and I thought Rosemary Clooney was so pretty. When I was, like, nine, I would tell people, You know who I kind of look like? Rosemary Clooney.

Im not that good looking... nobody is that good looking. I have seen a lot of movie stars, and maybe four are amazing looking. The rest have a team of gay guys who make it happen.