Quotes by Rodney Dangerfield

“I havent spoken to my wife in years. I didnt want to interrupt her.”

“I was such an ugly kid - When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up”

“I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.”

“My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.”

“If it wasnt for pick-pockets Id have no sex life at all.”

“I found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people.”

“My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.”

“My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now shes afraid of the light.”

“My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, youre ugly too.”

“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.”

“girl phoned me the other day and said .... Come on over, theres nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home.”

“I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.”

“My uncles dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.”

“My cousins gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.”

“I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.”

“My wifes jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.”

“With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, well never see each other!”

“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.”

“Yeah, I know Im ugly... I said to a bartender, Make me a zombie. He said God beat me to it.”

“I am awake, I might as well be drinking”