Quotes by Rodney Dangerfield

“I envy people who drink - at least they know what to blame everything on.”

“I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.”

“We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - were doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.”

“I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.”

“I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.”

“This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.”

“One year they wanted to make me poster boy - for birth control”

“I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.”

“My mother never breast-fed me. She told me she liked me as a friend.”

“At least 3% of the signers of the Constitution must have been gay, since thats the low estimate for any population sample. It was probably higher, given that they were a pretty talented bunch and wore wigs.”

“Gay nightclubs offer better dance music.”

“Its tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she wont drink from my glass.”

“Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.”

“I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.”

“I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.”

“Im so ugly - I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big Id get”

“Life is just a bowl of pits.”

“When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.”

“I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.”

“I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.”