Quotes by Rodney Dangerfield

If it werent for pickpockets Id have no sex life at all.

Im at the age when food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact Ive just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.

At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he knows he cant.

With my wife I dont get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to the best woman a man ever had. The waiter joined me.

I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

Im at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, Ive just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.

What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.

Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.

I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.

When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.

Its tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she wont drink from my glass.

We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - were doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.

My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.

My wifes jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.

I havent spoken to my wife in years. I didnt want to interrupt her.

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.