Quotes by Josh Stern

I always splash on the cologne before a blind date because dogs can smell fear

Its one thing if your hobby is to put ships inside a bottle, but a deer in the headlights!... Thats a real talent

Life is a very brief candle especially when you burn it at both ends

Blood is thicker than water, but they still use corn starch as a thickener on cooking shows

Blood is thicker than water, and so is diarrhea

Treat life as a suicide mission, take on the impossible jobs and attack with the gusto of someone who has nothing to lose.... and when you revel in victory, make like its a dirty win

I love Shark Week, where all kids under 12 swim for free

When people try to rain on your parade,...pee on theirs

When youre out in the wilderness and get back to base camp only to discover sleeping bag turndown service….thats no chocolate on the pillow

Come Hell or High Water usually depends on the kind of plug you use in the bath tub

If you know how to open doors with just a smile, you must need your teeth capped every six months

If its the thought that counts, then ignorance must use a calculator

The only difference between me and a madman is that he has the certification

Dont you wish we all lived in black light.... for one thing, it would mean an end to toothpaste as we know it

Some people drip wax on themselves like a human chianti bottle to see if they feel anything….but getting a wicker basket to fit them is a fiasco

I love shark week, all kids swim for free

You always miss 100% of the shots you dont order

it cant be wrong, if it feels so wrong

the only drinking problem Ive ever had, is figuring out why Im still stuck in this salad spinner

Id die for your sins, but Id probably enjoy them first