Quotes by Fran Lebowitz

“If you are a dog and your owner suggests that you wear a sweater, suggest that he wear a tail.”

“If you are of the opinion that the contemplation of suicide is sufficient evidence of a poetic nature, do not forget that actions speak louder than words.”

“Romantic love is mental illness. But its a pleasurable one. Its a drug. It distorts reality, and thats the point of it. It would be impossible to fall in love with someone that you really saw.”

“Ive done the calculation and your chances of winning the lottery are identical whether you play or not.”

“Stand firm in your refusal to remain conscious during algebra. In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra.”

“Life is something to do when you cant get to sleep”

“I must take issue with the term a mere child, for it has been my invariable experience that the company of a mere child is infinitely preferable to that of a mere adult.”

“I place a high moral value on the way people behave. I find it repellent to have a lot, and to behave with anything other than courtesy in the old sense of the word - politeness of the heart, a gentleness of the spirit.”

“Even when freshly washed and relieved of all obvious confections, children tend to be sticky.”

“In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra.”

“No self-respecting gay guy would have ever made some of the hair and clothing choices I am still trying to live down.”

“You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face… do the thing you think you cannot do.”

“All Gods children are not beautiful. Most of Gods children are, in fact, barely presentable.”

“Vegetables are interesting but lack a sense of purpose when unaccompanied by a good cut of meat”

“Dont bother discussing sex with small children. They rarely have anything to add.”

“The telephone is a good way to talk to people without having to offer them a drink.”

“Our children are not going to be just our children-they are going to be other peoples husbands and wives and the parents of our grandchildren.”

“My idea of feng shui is to have them arrange the pepperoni in a circle on my pizza”

“Why do they rate a movie R for adult language? The only people I hear using that language are teenagers”

“A baby-sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers”