Quotes by Derek Landy

Ravel said. “And I order people around really well. This morning, Tipstaff came over with a cup of tea and I told him no, I don’t want tea I want coffee. That was great. I really asserted my authority.”“Did he go and get you a coffee?”“No, he said he’d already made a pot of tea so I took the tea because, you know he’d already made it, but my authority was still firmly asserted.”Ghastly nodded. “He’ll think twice about making tea again.”“That he will, Ghastly my friend, that he will. What are we looking for, by the way?“Seriously? I gave you the file half an hour ago.”“Yes, you did.”“And did you read it?”“No, I did not.

Its not so bad.Melancholia looked at her. Youre lying.Ill get used to it. So will you.I... I dont think Ill be able to.Ill be there to help when you need it.But I hate you.Valkyrie smiled. No you dont.No, I do. I want to kill you and stuff.We actually became friends in those caves.Thats not what happened, said Melancholia.Were pals. Were buddies.” If my wrists werent in shackles, my hands would be round your throat.You want to hug my throat because were friends.

I am Detective Inspector Me. This is my partner, Detective Her.The traffic warden frowned. Her?Me, said Stephanie.Him?Not me, said Skulduggery. Her.Me, said Stephanie.You? said the traffic warden.Yes, said Stephanie. Im sorry, who are you?Stephanie looked at him. Im Her, hes Me. Got it?

Valkyrie stood there and waited for her to start making sense.There is a vegetable-plant hybrid weve been working on, modifying the genes and receptors, mutating the proteins and acids so that they are, in effect, neurotransmitters. Our work on the synapses alone has been quite illuminating.Valkyrie stood there and waited for her to start making sense.

He things we think hes a double agent, working for them but secretly working for us. He doesnt know we know hes a triple agent, working for them but secretly working for us but really hes secretly working for them. Dexter, hows your brain?Hurting.

Night descended on Roarhaven like a woolly blanket of blackness with holes in it that were the stars.

He looked at Ghastly. Thoughts?I want to kill Sanguine, was the first thing Ghastly said. And I want to do it slowly, in front of a lot of people. Using a hammer.Skulduggery nodded. Very healthy.

The door handle turned. Someone knocked, and a mans voice called, Uh, hello?Valkyrie looked at Skulduggery, looked back at the others, looked at Skulduggery again.Hello, Skulduggery said, speaking loudly to be heard over the alarm. Hi, said the man. The doors locked.Is it?Yes.Thats funny said Skulduggery. Hold on a moment. He reached out, jiggled the handle a few times, then stepped back. Yes, its locked. You wouldnt happen to have the key, would you?There was a delay in response from the other side. Im sorry, the man called, Who am I speaking

Please dont arrest me.Listen to me, Im not going to arrest you, ok? Im not a cop.Are you sure?Am I sure Im not a cop? yes, Im sure.You could be undercover.

You promise?I cross the place where my heart used to be and wish to be even more deader than I am now.

I cant tell you how may beautiful women have broken up with me because they were bored. I cant tell you because it never happened. They all adored me. It was your humility, wasnt it?

This isnt the first time Ive used this, and the test subject showed no signs of impaired cognitive ability.Who was the test subject? asked Aurora.I test everything out on myself before taking it into the field.She stared at him. You zapped your own brain?And it didnt do me any harm apart from the dizziness and the vomiting spells and the weirdly persistent ringing in my ears. Also the blackouts and the mood swings and the creeping paranoia. Apart from that, zero side effects, if you dont count the numb fingertips. Which I dont.

What are we going to do when we get into the temple, anyway? Are we going to fight our way through the Necromancers on our

He liked murder. Murder and long walks had been two of his favorite things when he was younger.

No one likes sarcasm, Miss Cain. I’ve merely delayed my exit to promise you something. You took my straight razor, li’l darlin’. That I view as an unforgivable offense. So when the time comes, when you have served your purpose, I swear to you I’m gonna kill you for free.” And with that, Billy-Ray Sanguine disappeared into the ground. Then he popped his head back up. “Or at least half price.” And he was gone again.

I was going straight for Mantis, but then that bloody gas got in my eyes and, I dont know, some massive bloke reared up in front of me. I hit him, but I swear, it was like hiting a wall.Gracious nodded. You hit a wall.Maybury blinked at him. I what?I saw it. You ran into a cloud of gas and stumbled around for a second until you reached a wall, and then you shrieked and punched it. It was very heroic.

Youre not used to early mornings, are you?He shook his head. Early mornings were invented by the system to keep the people occupied. But not me. Im on to them. Theyre not gonna catch me napping. Metaphorically, like. Obviously, they can catch me physically napping like, four or five times a day, but, metaphorically, I am so far beyond their reach.

I am what prevents the Accelerator from being a bomb.Except you didnt, said Gracious. Because you werent around.I got bored.Youre a machine.Machines can become bored, too.Gracious looked suddenly concerned. My toaster is bored?Perhaps, said the Engineer. I do not know many toasters.

The Engineer smiled (internally, for of course it had no mouth). It was feeling good. It was feeling optimistic. Moving at its current speed, it would arrive back in Ireland in plenty of time to shut everything down before a series of overloads and power loops inevitably led to a sequence of events which would, in turn, eventually lead to the probable destruction of the world. The Engineer wasnt worried.And then the truck hit it.

Whats this about slippers? Stephanies mom said, walking in.Dads just saying he could never lead the resistance against a robot army because he wears slippers.This is very true, her mum said.Then its decided, Stephanies father said. When the robot army makes itself known, I will be one of the first traitors to sell out the human race.Wow, said Stephanie.Now thats an about-turn, said her mum.Its the only way, said her dad. I have to make sure my family survives. The two of you and that other one, the small one--Alice.Thats her. Youre all that matter to me. Youre all I care about. I will betray the human race so that the robot army spares you. And then later, I will betray you so that the robot army spares me. Its a dangerous ploy, but someone has to be willing to take the big risks, and Ill be damned if Im about to let anyone else gamble with my familys future.Youre so brave, Stephanies mum said.I know, said her dad, and then quieter, I know.