Quotes by Dave Barry

“The primary function of the government is - and here I am quoting directly from the U.S. Constitution - to spew out paper.”

“It is a well-documented fact that guys will not ask for directions. This is a biological thing. This is why it takes several million sperm cells . . . to locate a female egg, despite the fact that the egg is, relative to them, the size of Wisconsin.”

“In fact, when you get right down to it, almost every explanation Man came up with for anything until about 1926 was stupid”

“Dont you wish you had a job like mine? All you have to do is think up a certain number of words! Plus, you can repeat words! And they dont even have to be true!”

“If you were to open up a babys head - and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should - you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland.”

“The simple truth is that balding African-American men look cool when they shave their heads, whereas balding white men look like giant thumbs.”

“Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face.”

“I hate rap music, which to me sounds like a bunch of angry men shouting, possibly because the person who was supposed to provide them with a melody never showed up”

“Geographically, Ireland is a medium-sized rural island that is slowly but steadily being consumed by sheep.”

“Nobody cares if you cant dance well. Just get up and dance.”

“UNIVAC: a device, which contained 20,000 vacuum tubes, occupied 1,500 square feet and weighed 40 tons; there was also a laptop version weighing 27 tons.”

“I was a young person once, shortly after the polar ice caps retreated, and I distinctly recall believing that virtually all adults were clueless goobers.”

“Crabgrass can grow on bowling balls in airless rooms, and there is no known way to kill it that does not involve nuclear weapons.”

“The real threat to whales is whaling, which has endangered many whale species.”

“The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl.”

“The Sixties are now considered a historical period, just like the Roman Empire.”

“If you have a big enough dictionary, just about everything is a word.”

“There is a breed of fashion models who weigh no more than an abridged dictionary.”

“And computers are getting smarter all the time: scientists tell us that soon they will be able to talk to us. (By they I mean computers: I doubt scientists will ever be able to talk to us.)”

“We operate under a jury system in this country, and as much as we complain about it, we have to admit that we know of no better system, except possibly flipping a coin.”