Quotes by Dave Barry

I am not the only person who uses his computer mainly for the purpose of diddling with his computer.

Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.

To an adolescent, there is nothing in the world more embarrassing than a parent.

Your modern teenager is not about to listen to advice from an old person, defined as a person who remembers when there was no Velcro.

The information encoded in your DNA determines your unique biological characteristics, such as sex, eye color, age and Social Security number.

The only kind of seafood I trust is the fish stick, a totally featureless fish that doesnt have eyeballs or fins.

The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion or ethnic background, is that we all believe we are above-average drivers.

Guys are simple... women are not simple and they always assume that men must be just as complicated as they are, only way more mysterious. The whole point is guys are not thinking much. They are just what they appear to be. Tragically.

I believe that we parents must encourage our children to become educated, so they can get into a good college that we cannot afford.

It always rains on tents. Rainstorms will travel thousands of miles, against prevailing winds for the opportunity to rain on a tent.

Well try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail.

The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl.

It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another persons plate.

It was Public Art, defined as art that is purchased by experts who are not spending their own personal money.

I would not know how I am supposed to feel about many stories if not for the fact that the TV news personalities make sad faces for sad stories and happy faces for happy stories.

Bill Gates is a very rich man today... and do you want to know why? The answer is one word: versions.

Auto racing is boring except when a car is going at least 172 miles per hour upside down.

I want a pit crew... I hate the procedure I currently have to go through when I have car problems.

Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it.

Never assume that the guy understands that you and he have a relationship.