Quotes by Dave Barry

“Meetings are an addictive, highly self-indulgent activity that corporations and other large organizations habitually engage in only because they cannot masturbate”

“This is true; virtually all edible substances, and many automotive products, are now marketed as being low-fat or fat-free. Americans are obsessed with fat content.”

“We believe that electricity exists, because the electric company keeps sending us bills for it, but we cannot figure out how it travels inside wires.”

“Have you noticed that whatever sport youre trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent?”

“It is better to be rich and healthy than poor and sick”

“Cynicism is an unpleasant way of saying the truth.”

“Today, of course, it is considered very poor taste to use the F-word except in major motion pictures.”

“Camping is natures way of promoting the motel business.”

“I am not the only person who uses his computer mainly for the purpose of diddling with his computer.”

“The taxpayers cannot be relied upon to support performing arts such as opera. As a taxpayer, I am forced to admit that I would rather undergo a vasectomy via Weed Whacker than attend an opera.”

“Floridas number three industry, behind tourism and skin cancer, is voter fraud”

“Another possible source of guidance for teenagers is television, but televisions message has always been that the need for truth, wisdom and world peace pales by comparison with the need for a toothpaste that offers whiter teeth and fresher breath.”

“American consumers have no problem with carcinogens, but they will not purchase any product, including floor wax, that has fat in it.”

“Software is usually accompanied by documentation in the form of big fat scary manuals that nobody ever reads. In fact, for the past five years most of the manuals shipped with software products have actually been copies of Stephen Kings The Stand with new covers pasted on.”

“Mother Nature clearly intended for us to get our food from the patty group, which includes hamburgers, fish sticks, and McNuggets- foods that have had all of their organs safely removed.”

“My son does not appreciate classical musicians such as the Stones; he is more into bands with names like Heave and Squatting Turnips.”

“My problem with chess was that all my pieces wanted to end the game as soon as possible.”

“Never assume that the guy understands that you and he have a relationship.”

“You can say any fool thing to a dog, and the dog will give you this look that says, `My God, youre RIGHT! I NEVER wouldve thought of that!”

“You kids are just going to miss out on all the AAIIIEEE. This is the noise you make when you pick up a splinter the size of a harpoon.”