Quotes by Dave Barry

“Todays scientists have substituted mathematics for experiments, and they wander off through equation after equation, and eventually build a structure which has no relation to reality.”

“Varlet and the Squeaking Codpieces would be an excellent name for a rock band.”

If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be meetings.

I like the relaxed way in which the Japanese approach religion. I think of myself as basically a moral person, but Im definitely not religious, and Im very tired of the preachiness and obsession with other peoples behavior characteristic of many religious people in the United States. As far as I could tell, theres nothing preachy about Buddhism. I was in a lot of temples, and I still dont know what Buddhists believe, except that at one point Kunio said If you do bad things, you will be reborn as an ox.This makes as much sense to me as anything I ever heard from, for example, the Reverend Pat Robertson.

It is a well-documented fact that guys will not ask for directions. This is a biological thing. This is why it takes several million sperm cells... to locate a female egg, despite the fact that the egg is, relative to them, the size of Wisconsin.

When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.

The problem with winter sports is that -- follow me closely here -- they generally take place in winter.

Aside from velcro, time is the most mysterious substance in the universe. You cant see it or touch it, yet a plumber can charge you upwards of seventy-five dollars per hour for it, without necessarily fixing anything.

The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates.

I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they dont even invite me.

Perhaps you are thinking: But a tank costs several million dollars, not including floor mats. I dont have that kind of money.Dont be silly. Youre a consumer, right? You have credit cards, right?Perhaps you are thinking: Yes, but how am I going to pay the credit-card company?Dont be silly. You have a tank, right?

I believe it was Shakespeare, or possibly Howard Cosell, who first observed that marriage is very much like a birthday candle, in that the flames of passion burn brightest when the wick of intimacy is first ignited by the disposable butane lighter of physical attraction, but sooner or later the heat of familiarity causes the wax of boredom to drip all over the vanilla frosting of novelty and the shredded coconut of romance. I could not have phrased it better myself.

Gravity is a contributing factor in nearly 73 percent of all accidents involving falling objects.

As you get older; youve probably noticed that you tend to forget things. Youll be talking with somebody at a party, and youll know that you know this person, but no matter how hard you try, you cant remember his or her name. This can be very embarassing, especially if he or she turns out to be your spouse.

Have you noticed that whatever sport youre trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent?

Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today its open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.

Camping is natures way of promoting the motel business.

I love the Olympics, because they enable people from all over the world to come together and--regardless of their political or cultural differences--accuse each other of cheating.

Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling.

If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would have made them cute and furry.