Quotes by Christopher Moore

She doesnt understand that a writer is a special creature--that Im different from everyone else. Im not saying Im superior to other people, just more sensitive, I guess.

You sure about this writer thing son?

She can be a whirlwind of tits and terror when she puts her mind to a purpose, cant she, sir?

Scratch a cynic and you will find a disappointed romantic.

Its kinda hard to get yourself into a good three-toweler when you got the dick of death.

…turning your ankle hurts like hell, even if youre a superhero.

One day I was telling him that I thought that cars had replaced guns as phallic symbols for American men, and I thought it was interesting that he had one that was so small and fast. The next day he gave me the Datsun and went out and bought a Lincoln.

A question asked in earnest, deserves an earnest answer.

Only cops and vampires have to have an invitation to enter.

If there was anything I learned from John the Baptist, it was that the sooner you confess a mistake, the quicker you can get on to making new and better mistakes.

Dont bruise the Foo!

It was the sound of a thousand hungry children crying, ten thousand widows tearing their hair over their husbands graves, a chorus of angels singing the last dirge on the day of Gods death.

My children are monsters, Kiro thought. And I am responsible. Perhaps if I had read them the haikus of Basho when they were little instead of that American manifesto of high-pressure sales, Green Eggs and Ham...

Youre trying to be tricky. Whats morality?Its the difference between whats right and what you can rationalize.Must be a human thing.Exactly.

But shes a redhead, so shes probably evil, even at her tender age.I thought you liked redheads.I do. Whats your point?

Authors WarningIf youre buying this book as a gift for your grandma or a kid, you should be aware that it contains cusswords as well as tasteful depictions of cannibalism and people in their forties having sex. Dont blame me. I told you.

In another Christmas story, Dale Pearson, evil developer, self-absorbed woman hater, and seemingly unredeemable curmudgeon, might be visited in the night by a series of ghosts who, by showing him bleak visions of Christmas future, past, and present, would bring about in him a change to generosity, kindness, and a general warmth toward his fellow man. But this is not that kind of Christmas story, so here, in not too many pages, someone is going to dispatch the miserable son of a bitch with a shovel. Thats the spirit of Christmas yet to come in these parts. Ho, ho, ho.

Its wildly irritating to have invented something as revolutionary as sarcasm, only to have it abused by amateurs.

Thats the difference between irony and sarcasm. Irony can be spontaneous, while sarcasm requires volition. You have to create sarcasm.

Sarcasm will make your tits fall off.