Quotes by Christopher Moore

Canada is a myth people made up to entertain children, like the Tooth Fairy. There’s no such place.

Christmas crept into Pine Cove like a creeping Christmas thing: dragging garland, ribbon, and sleigh bells, oozing eggnog, reeking of pine, and threatening festive doom like a cold sore under the mistletoe.

Joshuas ministry was three years of preaching, sometimes three times a day, and although there were some high and low points, I could never remember the sermons word for word, but heres the gist of almost every sermon I ever heard Joshua give.You should be nice to people, even creeps.And if you:a) believed that Joshua was the Son of God (and)b) he had come to save you from sin (and)c) acknowledged the Holy Spirit within you (became as a little child, he would say) (and)d) didnt blaspheme the Holy Ghost (see c)then you would:e) live foreverf) someplace niceg) probably heavanHowever, if you:h) sinned (and/or)i) were a hypocrite (and/or)j) valued things over people (and)k) didnt do a, b, c, and d,then you were:l) fucked

Oh, sweetie, Im sorry, you cant have a baby brother, because that would mean that Daddy had sex, and thats never going to happen again.

Ive tried to get the angel to watch MTV so I can learn the vocabulary of your music, but even with the gift of tongues, Im having trouble learning to speak hip-hop. Why is it that one can busta rhyme or busta move anywhere but you must busta cap in someones ass? Is ho always feminine, and muthafucka always masculine, while bitch can be either? How many peeps in a posse, how much booty before baby got back, do you have to be all that to get all up in that, and do I need to be dope and phat to be da bomb or can I just be stupid? Ill not be singing over any dead mothers until I understand.

He was a writer and words were his weapons.

Ive won Satans lottery.

Let me say right here, if I havent made it clear, that I have seen as many pale, naked old-man parts in the last twenty-four hours to bruise my delicate psyche for a lifetime, so dont be surprised if you someday find me wandering the moors at midnight, a crazed look in my eye, babbling about albino Tater Tots nesting in Brillo pads and being pursued by sagging man ass, because that shit can happen when youve been traumatized.

By Aladdins lamplit scrotum, man! Everything is a story. What is there but stories? Stories are the only truth.

Hope is bulletproof, truth just hard to hit

Routine feeds the illusion of safety...

Mr. Asher, you can resist who you are for only so long. Finally, you just decide to go with fate.

As a teacher of fourth-graders in a public school, where corporal punishement was not allowed, she had years of violence stored up and was, truth be told, sort of enjoying letting it out on Kona, who she felt could have been the poster child for the failure of public education.

... but to remain historically accurate, I would have had to leave out an important question that I felt needed to be addressed, which is, What if Jesus had known kung fu?

And I was all, Dont be gross, you crustacious fuck. You pull that thing out and Ill pepper-spray you until you fry. (You have to be stern with weenie waggers--Ive been exposed to on the bus over seventeen times, so I know.)

A woman’s magazine quiz:Question: You decide to do the dread deed and just as things are starting to get hot he comes, rolls over, and asks, “Was it good for you?”You:a. Say, “God, yes! That was the best seventeen seconds of my life”b. Say, “Sure, as good as it gets for me with a man.”c. Put a Certs in your navel and say, “That’s for you, Mr. Bunnyman. You can have it on your way back up, after the job is finished

Lash had been explaining to her that its impolite to refer to an African American as a nigga, unless one was another African American, when Troy Lee came in and said, She only speaks Cantonese.She does not. She keeps coming in and saying Whats up my nigga?Oh yeah. She does that to me, too. Did you give her a pound?No. I didnt give her a pound, motherfucker. She called me a nigga.Well, shes not going to quit unless you give her a pound. Its just the way she rolls.Thats some bullshit, Troy.Its her couch.

Abby Von Normal - And Im like, Dont change the subject, Kung Pao, what I want to know is if youre ready to spend some up-close and personal time with ninety pounds of barbarian woman-flesh! Sorry, I dont know how much that is in kilos.

Is she special? (asks the gay waiter) I thinks shes going to break my heart On arrival of the girl The flannel is fine honey,but I havent seen anyone that over accesorized since batman!

No matter where he went in the City, there was an odoriferous mix of food and vehicles, like the alchemic concoctions of some mad gourmet mechanic: Kung Pao Saab Turbo, Buick Skylark Carbonara, Sweet-and-Sour Metro Bus, Honda Bolognese with Burning Clutch Sauce.