Quotes by Andy Rooney

“In order to really enjoy a dog, one doesnt merely try to train him to be semi-human. The point of it is to open oneself to the possibility of becoming partly a dog.”

“Men wake up aroused in the morning. We cant help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the women are thinking, How can he want me the way I look in the morning? Its because we cant see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.”

“The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, theres a 90% probability youll get it wrong.”

“Happiness depends more on how life strikes you than on what happens.”

“Because over the past few years, more money has been spent on breast implants and Viagra than is spent on Alzheimers Disease research, it is believed that by the year 2030 there will be a large number of people wandering around with huge breasts an”

“Nothing in fine print is ever good news.”

“Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do dont need to be done.”

“If you smile when you are alone, then you really mean it.”

“Democrats (I think to myself) are liberals who believe the people are basically good, but that they need government help to organize their lives. They believe in freedom so fervently that they think it should be compulsory. They believe that the poor and ignorant are victims of an unfair system and that their circumstances can be improved if we give them help. Republicans (I think to myself) are conservatives who think it would be best if we faced the fact that people are no damned good. They think that if we admit that we have selfish, acquisitive natures and then”

“Id like to be rich enough so I could throw soap away after the letters are worn off”

“Dont pin much hope on the mail, and when the phone rings dont expect anyone wonderful to be calling”

“We should change our attitude toward the United Nations. There has to be some power in the world superior to our own. We should not have attacked Iraq without the okay of the United Nations. Now we have to live with that mistake. Were living with it, and too many of our guys are dying with it.”

“Taxes are important. President Bushs tax proposals leave no rich person behind. Voters approve of President Bush helping the kind of people they wish they were one of.”

“The closing of a door can bring blessed privacy and comfort - the opening, terror. Conversely, the closing of a door can be a sad and final thing - the opening a wonderfully joyous moment.”

“Death is a distant rumor to the young.”

“Weve sent a man to the moon, and thats 29,000 miles away. The center of the Earth is only 4,000 miles away. You could drive that in a week, but for some reason nobodys ever done it.”

“When those waiters ask me if I want some fresh ground pepper, I ask if they have any aged pepper.”

“Elephants and grandchildren never forget.”

“A program is a spell cast over a computer, turning input into error messages”

“It would be a better world if everyone in it knew all the truth about everything.”