Quotes by Stephen Colbert

Forgot to live-tweet the election last night, so Im post-tweeting today. Ill start as soon as my fingers unclench from their rage fists.

Its August, which means Congress is on recess and Mitch McConnell has shimmied back into the ocean to seek a mate.

I used to make up stuff in my bio all the time, that I used to be a professional ice-skater and stuff like that. I found it so inspirational. Why not make myself cooler than I am?

Thankfully, dreams can change. If wed all stuck with our first dream, the world would be overrun with cowboys and princesses.

Thats my parenting style - Go watch the TV. Im one of 11 children, and my mothers parenting style was, Theres the TV. Go watch it. Mommys got 10 other people to take care of.

I liked comedy as a kid. When I was a kid, Id go to sleep to, like, Bill Cosby albums every night. Id listen to Bill Cosby Is A Very Funny Fellow... Right! and Wonderfulness, which are two of his most famous albums. Then the next night, Id flip them over, cause it was the old stackable turntable.

In the media age, everybody was famous for 15 minutes. In the Wikipedia age, everybody can be an expert in five minutes. Special bonus: You can edit your own entry to make yourself seem even smarter.

I just think Rosa Parks was overrated. Last time I checked, she got famous for breaking the law.

I used to write things for friends. There was this girl I had a crush on, and she had a teacher she didnt like at school. I had a real crush on her, so almost every day I would write her a little short story where she would kill him in a different way.

We have this idea in our minds that theres this separation of church and state in America, which I think is a good thing. And we extend that to our politics - not just church and state, but its also theres a separation of religion and politics. But of course there isnt.

In order to maintain an untenable position, you have to be actively ignorant. One motto on the show is, Keep your facts, Im going with the truth.

Cynicism masquerades as wisdom, but it is the furthest thing from it. Because cynics dont learn anything. Because cynicism is a self-imposed blindness: a rejection of the world because we are afraid it will hurt us or disappoint us. Cynics always say no. But saying yes begins things. Saying yes is how things grow.

When my car runs out of gas, I buy a new one. I dont want to ride around in a quitter.

I love being onstage. I love the relationship with the audience. I love the letting go, the sense of discovery, the improvising.

I wrote things for the schools newspaper, and - like all teenagers - I dabbled in poetry.

“All Dogs Go To Heaven? Sorry, kids. Its only the dogs whove accepted Christ.”