Quotes by Stephen Colbert

I believe that the government that governs best is a government that governs least, and by these standards we have set up a fabulous government in Iraq.

So my heart goes out to them. Figuratively. I would never actually entrust my heart to scientists—theyd probably implant it in a baboon. And a baboon with my heart would be practically unstoppable. Baboon strength and agility combined with my determination and media savvy? It would be a threat to all of humanity.

So, if Im no cheerleader of sports, why write a chapter about it? Sports do have some positive impact on society. They solve problems, such as how to get inner-city kids to spend $175 on shoes. They serve as a backdrop for some of our most memorable commercials. And they remain the one and only relevant application of math. Not only that, but we have sports to thank for most of the last centurys advances in manliness. The system starts in school, where gym class separates the men from the boys. Then those men are taught to be winners, or at least, losers that hate themselves.

Sir, pay no attention to the people who say the glass is half empty, because 32% means its 2/3 empty. Theres still some liquid in that glass is my point, but I wouldnt drink it. The last third is usually backwash.(Said to President Bush at the White House Correspondents Dinner)

Senator John Kyle claiming that over 90 percent of what Planned Parenthood does is abortion.Stephen Colbert: Over 90 percent, that is unbelievable...in that it is not true. Only 3 percent of what Planned Parenthood does is abortion. Kyle just rounded it up to the nearest 90.

I dont like the new president who hunts muslim extremists, I like the old president who is a muslim extremist.

I like talking about people who dont have any power and it seems like some of the least powerful people in the United States are the migrant workers who come and do our work and dont have any rights as a result. And yet we still invite them to come here, and at the same time ask them to leave.

Theres an old saying about those who forget history. I dont remember it, but its good.

I hold a little fundraiser every day. Its called going to work.

In Gods eyes all children are beautiful but here on earth we have higher standards.

The interesting thing about grief, I think, is that it is its own size. It is not the size of you. It is its own size. And grief comes to you. You know what I mean? I’ve always liked that phrase “He was visited by grief,” because that’s really what it is. Grief is its own thing. It’s not like it’s in me and I’m going to deal with it. It’s a thing, and you have to be okay with its presence. If you try to ignore it, it will be like a wolf at your door.

If women are breadwinners and men bring home the bacon, why do people complain about having no dough? Im confused. Also hungry.

I may be just an empty flesh terminal reliant on technology for all my ideas, memories and relationships, but I am confident that all of that everything that makes me a unique human being is still out there somewhere, safe in a theoretical storage space owned by giant, multinational corporations.

Throughout human history, countries rise and fall. But not America--we continue to rise and rise, like dough, until Jesus bakes us in the fiery Afterscape of the Rapture.

Religion forces every individual to take responsibility. Specifically, take it away from yourself and give it to God. If we had to be accountable for every one of our actions, wed be crippled with indecision. But with religion pointing the way, we can feel confident in our choice to picket our childrens elementary school when we find out the art teacher is gay.

After Jesus showed up, the Old Testament basically became a way for Bible publishers to keep their word coun

Maybe he’ll be different from who he was and always is.

Agnostics are just atheists without balls.

But heres the biggest head-scratcher of all: Not only are atheists destroying our country, theyre completely deluding themselves. Theres simply no way to prove that there is no God. If I didnt hate them so much, Id feel bad for these folks. Imagine going through life completely duped into thinking that theres no invisible, omniscient higher power guiding every action on Earth. Its just so arbitrary! Cant they see?

All weather is sin-related. Lust causes thunder, anger causes fog, and you dont want to know what causes dew.