Quotes by Stephen Colbert

Cynicism masquerades as wisdom, but it is the farthest thing from it. Because cynics don’t learn anything. Because cynicism is a self-imposed blindness, a rejection of the world because we are afraid it will hurt us or disappoint us.

As far as I can tell, a young-adult novel is a regular novel that people actually read.

NC passed law against global warming science, therefore its not happening. So Im ignoring Twitters 140-character limit, so its not happ

So, a word to all you Femin-Idi-Amins: Stop “liberating” moms by trying tomake them join the workforce. They’re already doing the job that God putthem here to do: Everything.

its back to school time. or as home-schoolers call it, stay-where-you-are time.

Thats not a religion, thats Pokemon.

Divorce is a marital welfare. Its just couples asking society to bail them out because they didnt do enough research before they got married. How is that our fault? Dont drag down my countrys statistics just because you ran off and got hitched before you ever saw each other in a bad mood.

The Crusaders lead to the Knights Templar; the Knights Templar lead to the Masons; and the Masons lead to the Shriners, a secret society that controls world government, toys with our banking system, and single-handedly keeps the fez industry afloat.

According to the U.S. Census Bureau, a family is defined as two or more people living together who are related by birth, marriage or adoption. In other words, the U.S. Census Bureau is run by radical leftists. Why do you think theres a whole category for the unemployed?

There hasnt been a scandal this big at the C.I.A. since (CLASSIFIED) committed (CENSORED) to (REDACTED).

If I had one wish, it would be for self-drying pants. Wait -- no! Unlimited wishes! How do I return these stupid pants?!

Who would have thought that a means of communication limited to 140 characters would ever create misunderstanding.

... had to pee like a racehorse at an Iced Tea convention.

In America, we know to ignore artists if theyre serious in any way.

Scientists have invented a new strain of cannabis without the high. They celebrated with non-alcoholic beer and furious dry-humping.

They say the only people who tell the truth are drunkards and children. Guess which one I am.

Summer movie idea: take all the sequels that are out right now, and make movies about their backstories.

Isnt an agnostic just an atheist without balls?

Cant wait for tomorrow when I get to exercise my patriotic duty as an American: Complaining about how long its taking to VOTE.

My guest Newt Gingrich shut down the government during the Clinton administration. Ill ask him when its gonna start working again.