Quotes by Stephen Colbert

“Doctors orders, Doctor love that is.”

“I cant prove it, but I can say it.”

“As God said to Job, Checkmate”

Atheism, a religion dedicated to its own sense of smug superiority.

Clearly, America has no shortage of metaphorical opportunities for the poor.

If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldnt have declared their independence from it.

All Dogs Go To Heaven? Sorry, kids. Its only the dogs whove accepted Christ.

A father has to be a provider, a teacher, a role model, but most importantly, a distant authority figure who can never be pleased. Otherwise, how will children ever understand the concept of God?

Heres an easy way to figure out if youre in a cult: If youre wondering whether youre in a cult, the answer is yes.

Women dont want all that. Women just want a partner who is considerate and attentive, who will spoon with them while reciting Keats, and feed them organic yogurt by candlelight on a seaside cliff at sunset.

Wikipedia is the first place I go when Im looking for knowledge... or when I want to create some.

So if animals arent our friends, then what are they? The answer can be summed up between two buns.

I am no fan of books. And chances are, if youre reading this, you and I share a healthy skepticism about the printed word. Well, I want you to know that this is the first book Ive ever written, and I hope its the first book youve ever read. Dont make a habit of it.

Theres nothing wrong with stretching the truth. We stretch taffy, and that just makes it more delicious.

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, hes never on welfare in a mysterious way.

If God wanted us to get high, hed have created plants that became psychoactive when eaten or smoked.

Remember, you cannot be both young and wise. Young people who pretend to be wise to the ways of the world are mostly just cynics. Cynicism masquerades as wisdom, but it is the farthest thing from it. Because cynics don’t learn anything. Because cynicism is a self-imposed blindness, a rejection of the world because we are afraid it will hurt us or disappoint us. Cynics always say no. But saying “yes” begins things. Saying “yes” is how things grow. Saying “yes” leads to knowledge. “Yes” is for young people. So for as long as you have the strength to, say “yes.

If this is going to be a Christian nation that doesnt help the poor, either we have to pretend that Jesus was just as selfish as we are, or weve got to acknowledge that He commanded us to love the poor and serve the needy without condition and then admit that we just dont want to do it.

Librarians hoard the wisdom of humanity. They are the keepers of all knowledge, the guardians at the temples of understanding and devoted protectors of the sanctuary in the midst of uneducated anarchy.

America used to live by the motto Father Knows Best. Now were lucky if Father Knows He Has Children. Weve become a nation of sperm donors and baby daddies.