Quotes by Rita Rudner

“Some people think having large breasts makes a woman stupid. Actually, its quite the opposite: A woman having large breasts makes men stupid.”

“Weve begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet - so we bought a dog. Well, its cheaper, and you get more feet.”

“I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.”

“My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We cant decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.”

“A man will go to war, fight and die for his country. But he wont get a bikini wax.”

“Men hate to lose. I beat my husband once at tennis. I asked him, Will we ever make love again? He said, Yes.... but not with each other.”

“I love being married. Its so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”

“I dont plan to grow old gracefully; I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet”

“I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasnt mine.”

“Before I met my husband, Id never fallen in love. Id stepped in it a few times.”

“Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: This looks much better on. On what? On fire?”

“Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. Thats how rich I want to be.”

“I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. Theyve experienced pain and bought jewelry.”

“I love to shop after a bad relationship. I dont know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, Ill break up with someone on purpose.”

“When I eventually met Mr Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.”

“Never play peekaboo with a child on a long plane trip. Theres no end to the game. Finally I grabbed him by the bib and said, Look, its always gonna be me!”

I love to sleep. Do you? Isnt it great? It really is the best of both worlds. You get to be alive and unconscious.

Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. Thats how rich I want to be.

A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.

Men forget everything women remember everything. Thats why men need instant replay in sports. Theyve already forgotten whats happened.