Quotes by Rita Rudner

Men are very confident people. Even a sixty-year-old man with no arms thinks he could play in the Super Bowl if he had to.

My father watched football with the sound off because he lived in fear of hearing the voice of Howard Cosell.

There are different kinds of humor, some is sarcastic, some introspective. Introspective fit my personality better.

Before I met my husband, Id never fallen in love. Id stepped in it a few times.

I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I dont even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours.

I love to shop after a bad relationship. I dont know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, Ill break up with someone on purpose.

Stand-up is my favorite thing Ive ever done. Theres so much independence.

Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: This looks much better on. On what? On fire?

Weve begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet - so we bought a dog. Well, its cheaper, and you get more feet.

I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctors office was full of portraits by Picasso.

Its so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

I had the worst birthday party ever when I was a child because my parents hired a pony to give rides. And these ponies are never in good health. But this one dropped dead. It just wasnt much fun after that. One kid would sit on him and the rest of us would drag him around.

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. Theyve experienced pain and bought jewelry.

In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.

I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.

My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didnt want him to.

Whenever I date a guy, I think, Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?

To attract men, I wear a perfume called New Car Interior.

Some people think having large breasts makes a woman stupid. Actually, its quite the opposite: a woman having large breasts makes men stupid.