Quotes by Jerry Seinfeld

“According to most studies, peoples number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, youre better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.”

“I am so busy doing nothing... that the idea of doing anything - which as you know, always leads to something - cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything.”

“Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason”

“Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if youve got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isnt your biggest problem.Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.”

“Its amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.”

“The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews, Bottle openers. Come on, buddy, lets go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, hes got a spoon. Back off. Ive got the toe clippers right here.”

“There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.”

“You know youre getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. Its like, See if you can blow this out.”

“Theres very little advice in mens magazines, because men dont think theres a lot they dont know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, I know what Im doing, just show me somebody naked.”

“How did sex come to be thought of as dirty in the first place? God must have been a Republican.”

“Make no mistake about why these babies are here - they are here to replace us.”

“Thats the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me”

“The IRS! Theyre like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!”

“Well, birthdays are merely symbolic of how another year has gone by and how little weve grown. No matter how desperate we are that someday a better self will emerge, with each flicker of the candles on the cake, we know its notto be, that for the rest of our sad, wretched pathetic lives, this is who we areto the bitter end. Inevitably, irrevocably; happy birthday? No such thing.”

“Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned four-letter words to convey its full meaning.”

Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess theres no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door.

Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason

Elaine: Ugh, I hate people.Jerry: Yeah, theyre the worst.

Its amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.

The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever seen that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. ‘Come on, buddy, let’s go. You get past me, the guy in the back of me, he’s got a spoon. Back off, I’ve got the toe clippers right here.