Quotes by Jerry Seinfeld

Marriage is like a game of chess except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.

A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you dont have a top for it.

Being a stand-up is my mission in life; its my passion. My ongoing goal is to simply be funny, on my own, in front of a roomful of strangers.

I think its funny to be delicate with subjects that are explosive.

To me, if life boils down to one thing, its movement. To live is to keep moving.

Men dont care whats on TV. They only care what else is on TV.

Well, all comedy starts with anger. You get angry, and its never for a good reason, right? You know its not a good reason. And then you try and work it from there.