Quotes by Jerry Seinfeld

Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept Gods final word on where your lips end.

If a book about failures doesnt sell, is it a success?

I dont understand women at all. Like how a women can pour boiling hot wax onto their upper thigh, then rip the hair out by the root... and still be afraid of a spider.

There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.

Keep your head up in failure, and your head down in success.

I am so busy doing nothing... that the idea of doing anything - which as you know, always leads to something - cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything.

A bookstore is one of the many pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking.

The IRS! Theyre like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!

The best revenge is living well.

Theres no way that moving in with your parents is a sign that your life is on track.

I was the best man at the wedding. So why is she marrying him?

Its good to play and you must keep in practice.

The number-one fear in life is public speaking and the number-two fear is death. This means that if you go to a funeral youre better off in the casket than giving the eulogy.

Nobody enjoys the little show about nothing humor more than me, but that is never the way I look at it.

Thats the true spirit of Christmas people being helped by people other than me.

Once you start doing only what youve already proven you can do, youre on the road to death.

Theres very little advice in mens magazines, because men dont think theres a lot they dont know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, I know what Im doing, just show me somebody naked.

We want to do a lot of stuff were not in great shape. We didnt get a good nights sleep. Were a little depressed. Coffee solves all these problems in one delightful little cup.

We want to do a lot of stuff were not in great shape. We didnt get a good nights sleep. Were a little depressed. Coffee solves all these problems in one delightful little cup.

You know youre getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. Its like, See if you can blow this out.