Quotes by Chelsea Handler

There are two kinds of people I dont trust: people who dont drink and people who collect stickers.

Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.

Are you there vodka? Its me, Chelsea. Please get me out of jail and I promise I will never drink again. Drink and drive. I will never drink and drive again. I may even start my own group fashioned after MADD, Mothers Against Drunk Driving, but Ill call it AWLTDASH, Alcoholics Who Like to Drink and Stay Home.

My mother told me that life isnt always about pleasing yourself and that sometimes you have to do things for the sole benefit of another human being. I completely agreed with her, but reminded her that that was what blow jobs were for.

Men don’t realize that if we’re sleeping with them on the first date, we’re probably not interested in seeing them again either.

My tendency to make up stories and lie compulsively for the sake of my own amusement takes up a good portion of my day and provides me with a peace of mind not easily attainable in this economic climate.

My relationship with my father had been on the proverbial fritz since the time I was fifteen and called the police to report him for child molesting. He had never molested me, but I wanted to have a party that weekend and needed him out of the house.

You know youre a hot mess when the only person buying you drinks all night is yourself.

My negotiation skills are are on par with George Bushs reading ability. And just like Dubya, every time Ive tried to put forth an effort, I am reminded that my only true strength lies in drinking.

Austin and I proceeded to knock back a couple of Ketel One and grapefruit juices, which happened to be my drink of the moment. Someone told me that grapefruit was a great detoxifier and I decided I wanted to start cleaning out my liver WHILE I was having a cocktail.

While looking at a website for liposuction, I learned that it was a six-to eight-week recovery period, the clincher being that, during that time, I would under no circumstances be able to use street drugs. Obviously I had to think of a more realistic approach.

I dont appreciate people who celebrate their dogs birthdays with dog parties, and then invite their friends who dont even have dogs. I understand why people like dogs, and I think they definitely bring more to the table than cats or those godforsaken ferrets, but I dont think its healthy for people to treat their dogs like they are real people.

Another thing I take issue with are people who take their dogs on play dates, or even worse, people who choose to dress their dogs up in outfits better suited for homosexuals participating in a gay pride parade. Dog costumes are right up there with something else I find particularly offensive: sweater vests.

Shamu and I have arrived safely in Costa Rica. He was stopped by airport security because he carries enough artillery in his pants pockets to construct a sawed-off shotgun. Evidently, he thought we were headed to Iraq.

One of my girlfriends was getting married. This was becoming an annoying pattern.

This kind of mixing of ingredients happens all the time at fast-food places... You know when you order french fries and theres a rogue onion ring at the bottom. You know, at first youre alarmed but you eat it. It all comes from the same place! You just have to go for it.

I never say the things I really want to. If I did, Id have no friends.

It was Valentines Day and I had spent the day in bed with my life partner, Ketel One. The two of us watched a romance movie marathon on TBS Superstation that made me wonder how people who write romantic comedies can sleep at night. At some point during almost every romantic comedy, the female lead suddenly trips and falls, stumbling helplessly over something ridiculous like a leaf, and then some Matthew McConaughey type either whips around the corner just in the nick of time to save her or is clumsily pulled down along with her. That event predictably leads to the magical moment of their first kiss. Please. I fall all-the-time. You know who comes and gets me? The bouncer. Then, within the two hour time frame of the movie, the couple meet, fall in love, fall out of love, break up, and then just before the end of the movie, they happen to bump into each other by coincidence somewhere absolutely absurd, like by the river. This never happens in real life. The last time I bumped into an ex-boyfriend was at three oclock in the morning at Rite Aid. I was ringing up Gas-X and corn removers.

I had always dreamed of being a professional escort but never thought that there was any real money in it.

There are many ways to get to know someone, and my favorite is seeing them naked in Happy Baby pose.I also feel it is important to have sex soon after meeting someone in order to find out if you have sexual chemistry together. Otherwise, you could wait two to three months after you start dating someone only to discover that your new boyfriend is bad in bed, or even worse, is into anal beads and duct tape.