Quotes by Chelsea Handler

Seeing your mother naked is not something you easily recover from. Seeing your mother naked and jumping from one side of a king-sized bed to the other with a nurses hat on while your father, who is also naked, is chasing her with a bandanna around his neck, is reason to put yourself up for adoption.

After discovering him in his threesome, I spent the next two weeks in bed suffering from a severe case of vagina elbow. Its a condition not unlike tennis elbow, but you get it from masturbating.

I cant, I said. I threw my back out masturbating.

Even if times are tough and youre enduring a terrible heartache, its important to focus your anger on a vibrator, not another person.

Seconds later, the female security officer grabbed a pair of my fathers shorts from the top of the duffel bag, and emptied out the contents of his pockets. A lighter, three nail files, a pocket wrench, a pair of pliers, a screwdriver, and a nectarine fell onto the folding table. I looked at the woman, looked at my father, and then looked around to see if anyone else was watching. Whats the problem? my father asked the woman. Sir, Im going to have to take this lighter away from you, she said. The lighter? I asked her. What about the bomb kit hes carrying around? He could do a lot more damage to a person with that wrench. I need the wrench! he shrieked. For what? What if something goes wrong with the plane?

A hotel room all to myself is my idea of a good time.

We checked our bags and got on line with some of our fellow passengers. Judging from the looks of them, it was clear that they were members of a different income bracket from the people I preferred to surround myself with. But since I also wasnt from the income bracket I preferred, I held off on voicing my initial feelings of despair.

And just like that, as if I hadnt said anything at all, the ladies sprang into a conversation about the sinful nature the Jews possessed when killing their Lord Jesus. I didnt know if I was hearing this right because I had become so intoxicated, but I couldnt believe that anyone would talk about religion while on vacation. How could Miss Nebraska think this was a proper environment to discuss something so controversial? One woman went on to say that if she had her way not only would President Bush serve a second four-year term, but she hoped they would overturn Roe v. Wade. This woman was obviously a menace to society and needed to be stopped.

My mother is European and expresses her love through food and cuddling. She wasnt the type of mother who would make it to school plays or soccer games, but if you wanted to stay at home sick, she was your girl. Whenever youd go up to her room to cuddle with her, shed pull out a Kit Kat or Snickers bar from her night table and look at you with dancing eyes.

If I had seen pictures of people eating each other on the wall, I wouldve told him I was into cannibalism.

I had heard my brothers and sisters use curse words but had never dared use one myself in front of anyone. But I had practiced alone in my room lots of times, trying out different cadences and into nations: Fuck, fuck, fuck you, fucknut. Shit, shitstain, fucker! Go fuck a duck, you asswipe! My favorite was, What a fucking cocksucker. The plan was to say this casually to one of my new friends while one of our teachers walked by. No one in kindergarten ever really got my sense of humor, so I was hell-bent on making my mark in the first grade.

Im not that shallow, asshole. I dont need money. Its way more important for them to be good-looking.

My mother is the antithesis of a typical Jewish mother, she is very soft-spoken and takes more naps that a cat. As a result, Ive always longed for someone to really annoy the shit out of me.

I dont like to overdose. Call me old-fashioned.

The big one was at least cute, and as annoying as she was, you couldnt get mad at a golden retriever.

I have a question. Is it okay to drink while youre pregnant...if youre planning on giving the baby up for adoption?

My mother agreed to aid my abuse of alcohol but only if I promised never to tell my newly converted Mormon sister, whose identity I had stolen.

I went out with a guy who once told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.

I was in a tailspin of confusion I hadnt experienced since the first time I heard George W. Bush speak.

Why are babies allowed to cry when they wake up, but adults crying when they wake is frowned upon? Babies are permitted to act like assholes whenever they feel like it and no one blinks...