Quotes by Billy Connolly

“Land of the hill and heather Land of the awful weather Land where the midges gather - Scotland the brave”

“There are two seasons in Scotland: June and winter.”

“I dont believe in angels, no. . . . But I do have a wee parking angel. Its on my dashboard and you wind it up. The wings flap and its supposed to give you a parking space. Its worked so far.”

“American sex shops are the most bizarre. They sell these inflatable dolls, but they also sell just the head -- supposedly for people to drive along the highway with.”

“Im sure everyone in this room has been told a joke about that subject. I have many times and Ive laughed, even though they are horrifying and shocking. . . . I think theres no boundary at all, whether its that subject or another.”

“Fame is being asked to sign your autograph on the back of a cigarette packet.”

“Ally MacLeod thinks that tactics are a new kind of mint.”

“I think that youll find that Billy Connolly is British.”

“I loved Japan. I used to read a lot about it when I was a child. And I always wanted to go. And it was delightful. I absolutely loved it. What a smashing place.”

“I dont have wild dogs chasing people with scripts away from my door. I get my share. Ive done okay. But I usually do independent stuff because thats mostly what Im offered.”

“Im very big in Australia, New Zealand, Britain, Canada and America. Its nice. I have a lovely life, and actually it pays better than the movies. Well, it doesnt pay better than Tom Cruise in the movies. But it pays better than I get. I get bus fare compared to these guys.”

“But still, I kept thinking, if Im still troubled by this, if Im still carrying it around like a big rucksack full of bricks and my fathers dead, I need someone to tell me how to get rid of this great weight. . . . The most awful thing was that it was kind of pleasant physically, you know. Thats why nobody tells.”

“It seems to me that Islam and Christianity and Judaism all have the same god, and hes telling them all different things.”

“I dont believe in angels and I have trouble with the whole God thing. I dont want to say I dont believe in God, but I dont think I do. But I believe in people who do.”

“Never trust a man, who when left alone with a tea cosey... Doesnt try it on.”

“If Jesus was a Jew, how come he has a Mexican first name?”

“What always staggers me is that when people blow their noses, they always look into their hankies to see what came out. What do they expect to find?”

“My parents used to take me to the pet department and tell me it was a zoo.”

“Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.”

“The great thing about Glasgow is that if theres a nuclear attack itll look exactly the same afterwards.”