Quotes by Billy Connolly

The desire to be a politician should bar you for life from ever becoming one.”Dont vote. It just encourages them....

Oh, I can picture myself rattling along Route 66 on that thing, headphones on, singing along to ZZ Tops Sharp Dressed Man or the opening line from Born to be Wild by Steppenwolf - Get your motor running... The trike brings out that in all of us, which is no bad thing. Forget Viagra, get yourself a trike!

Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares? Hes a mile away and youve got his shoes!

If you give people a chance, they shine.

When people say its always the last place you look. Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after youve found it?

The human race has been set up. Someone somewhere is playing a practical joke on us. Apparently women need to feel loved to have sex. Men need to have sex to feel loved. How do we ever get started?

I dont believe in angels, no. But I do have a wee parking angel. Its on my dashboard and you wind it up. The wings flap and its supposed to give you a parking space. Its worked so far.

My parents used to take me to the pet department and tell me it was a zoo.

The great thing about Glasgow is that if theres a nuclear attack itll look exactly the same afterwards.

Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.

Never trust a man, who when left alone with a tea cosey... Doesnt try it on.

My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.

Ive always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.

I think my securities far outweigh my insecurities. I am not nearly as afraid of myself and my imagination as I used to be.

Once you become successful, people know where you live, the type of house you live in, the kind of car you drive, the clothes you wear, and so it would be patronising to go and talk like a welder. Weldings a mystery to me now. You cant go back, your life changes every day.

“Marriage is a wonderful invention; but then again so is a bicycle repair kit.”