Quotes by Billy Connolly

“The human race has been set up. Someone, somewhere, is playing a practical joke on us. Apparently, women need to feel loved to have sex. Men need to have sex to feel loved. How do we ever get started?”

“I worry about ridiculous things, you know, how does a guy who drives a snowplough get to work in the morning. . . . That can keep me awake for days..”

“Ive always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.”

“Id always been scared of people with tertiary education and high intellects in case they found me wanting. I thought they viewed me as just a welder who knew a few jokes.”

“Ive always liked it here. Part of me is Irish. . . . My family comes from the west coast, so whenever I come to Ireland I get a wee tingling in my heart that Im where I belong.”

“I¹m much bigger in Britain than I am there. Im well-known, but my names That Guy in America. . . . People shout: Hey ­ I know you! Youre That Guy.”

“I have been made redundant before and it is a terrible blow; redundant is a rotten word because it makes you think you are useless.”

“Im a citizen of the world. I like it that way. The worlds a wonderful. I just think that some people are pretty badly represented. But when you speak to the people themselves theyre delightful. They all want so little.”

“Im famous for my bottom dances, but youll only see my bum and willy if you raise a million pounds within an hour.”

“Theres nothing like it, but its not as good as you think its going to be. . . . I was disappointed because there are records of people finding things that have been there for years. I was hoping for a shirt button, or my clubs badge -- but not a sausage.”

“My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.”

“Roses are red,Violets are blue,Im a schizophrenic,and so am I.”

“For years I thought the clubs name was Partick Thistle Nil.”

“The only time I would like to see was the 20s and 30s in America because I love the music and the style and the optimism, I wanted to see New York being built. I wanted to see all that, you know.”

“I love Los Angeles. It reinvents itself every two days.”

“outgrew the media ... The negativity felt like a disease.”

“Hes a millionaire yet every few seconds had to go f***. What is he trying to prove? Is he trying to show hes bigger and better than everyone else?”

“Do you remember that politician who died with the fishnet tights and all that? Aw, his poor family. I wonder how they dress him in the coffin?”

“Youll end up with your arse between your shoulder blades (On morphine Suppositorys)”

I dont believe in angels and I have trouble with the whole God thing. I dont want to say I dont believe in God but I dont think I do. But I believe in people who do.